Burning

Burning? Yes burning. Flaming hot in my mind, in my soul.

Lately I found that I overspent. Yes, I overspent. Now my financial situation is threatening. I know I can make it better. I just procrastinating the process.

And once again, the period came to me again. I guess it's this morning?! May be. Whenever I started to loss track of my own life, I missed the control. I freak out. So mess up.

Find it breathless sometimes every now and then. I am capable of handling it. I know I can. But I am doing it dreadfully. Lack of insight or the power draw from unknown side? I didn't pray. I never practice prayer. I keep it inside and keep it to myself.

Talk to whom? Mother? Father? They got plenty of troubles bothering with them yet I don't see the necessity to increase their burden of my own products of procrastination.

Hang out with friends. Yes I do. But again, it is a negative cycle. I go out and start to spend again. I prefer to sleep now. So nice to sleep. Sometimes even I wake up from a long night sleep and rest, I still prefer to go back to my bed and continue my sleep.

Perhaps I am afraid of facing the society. It could be. The minute that I suit up and drive out from the house, I am becoming a different person. I knew it all along. Ever since I was 17.

However, you know it is one thing, you understand it is another thing, you can practice it out is totally different thing. I would say I am still not flexible enough.

Alright enough of complaints of myself. I am doing good at my new workplace. Getting used to it already. Credit to my previous practice and very helpful bunch of colleagues.

Managers are fine. Well, what do you expect? They are human too. If there's a problem, communicate with them. I ain't someone just sit there and settle myself with something I don't see a point and tolerate with it.

Okay okay. There's exceptional case for it. Anyway, I am getting used to my job. That's my point.

I am burning, inside out. Inside out. I feel alone most of the times. But I am not alone most of the times now. What the heck. But I feel alone. I hate to change. I know that change is undeniable.

I love myself, I claimed. But am I love myself or am I love myself too much? That's why I care about my own feeling so much.

What a good point the pastor is saying, we change our mind when something is unchangeable. So they think that homosexuality is changeable, that it could be fixed. It could be amended and turn straight again one day.

Sometimes they knew the theory all along. But they just refused to acknowledge it. They chose to ignore it.

Good news for today. I finally drop below 100. Well it's 99.5kg. I acknowledge my hardwork. Though it's still heavy but it's another milestone being achieved.

I love that side of myself. That no matter what comes in my way, I know where I am heading and I will reach there. I will. I know I will, in times. Perhaps the only difference is first, I am stubborn so I can focus on my way, second I am arrogant because I only acknowledge my achievements, third, I do it on my term, so the times schedule keep change from times to times.

That's me you know.
我就是这样心怀秘密，感觉茫然，内心却又充满了力量的那样生活着。

Thanks God. Praise the Lord.

There were times.

Glee - Need You Now FULL PERFORMANCE SUBTITULADO …: http://youtu.be/8-DtNiL03sA

Last night, I had a dinner with friends. It's usual, just dinner. But it made something clear to me. I am finally partially over it. Now I can talk about someone peacefully, now I can listen to our songs or my song calmly.

That's how powerful the time is. It heals almost everything. Either bury it deep deep deep under or let it become scar and recover someday. It's just feel so much better now.

I miss that someone but it's impossible to go back. Maybe didn't workout for two days start to get me some side effects of being emotionally unstable due to the excess of my body adrenaline.

It was nice dinner. Without burden and just talk. I wanted that. Instead of some negative shits. Or some quiet shits. What did you expect? Let myself talk all the way. Crazy.

I changed a new job. Technically speaking it's just being more specific and more focus on one part. Or else generally I am still hanging on the same industry. Not much difference after-all.

All the colleagues are being nice to me, as far as I concerned. They are being nice to me and that made things get easier. And since the things are likely the same, so yea, the practice is there so so far so good.

Therefore, go back to friends. I manage to make a few new friends, unfortunately I am really a lousy maintenance body. Most of the times I am occupied unless I am in the situation like now. I get hurt and so no gym for me these few days.

I can't always check in and out with them. It's exhausting and I am fed up. For some, they just expect me to put aside all my stuff and go hang out with them. That's unfair to me and to my stuffs.

For some, they just seem to desire more from me, WTH. I am poor, what could you possibly desire from me? I can't drink. I can't smoke! And the hilarious thing when they didn't get what they desire from me is that they disappear. Yeap, how cliche. Just disappear.

It's a Tuesday morning and I am lying on my bed. Thinking of something sad and something happy. Weather is good to stay in bed. Still wondering I should study or drive to beach and relax for this holiday or what.

Well, we'll see later.