Reconciliation

Just because your former partner can't be faithful to you, it doesn't mean there's nobody else can do it.

And like I always mention, I made mistakes. I made countless mistakes. I did stupid things which I knew it was stupid yet I still committed it. I did because I saw there's something worth invest myself and my time in, even if it was a failure. I wasn't alone in this situation, we all are amateur when it comes to unknown or inexperienced situations.

Would you try it out or you will just walk away and regret? Not all of us will regret, that's true. But I do. I always regret, regret if I could just apologize first, regret if I could study harder or put in more time and efforts. I am done with these regrets, so I started to live as it is, when I thought of anything, if I am having the second thought, then I won't do it. And if I do it, I DO it. Even if it burns me.

Always be absolute, you like it, you do it. If it fails, own it. 

So you see right there, the decision of yours engage into something new will get you always 2 things, either lesson and memories which could be happy ending or just terrible nightmare for awhile, or some wildest yet unexpected gain from what you've discovered so far. You never know what will life offer you until you give it a try. You know? We all can't tell how it is going to turn out with.

Look at the picture above, that's experience talk. It does sound dreamy and romantic or very logical right? But will you appreciate it or even cherish it if you hadn't get hurt before? They always said do not lower down your grade or guard for anyone who isn't deserving. 

Would you know who is deserving and who is not before you get to know them? You don't. All you can do is by your best judgement and on your best wish with your best faith to try it out. Risk it out.

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All that I written above is parts of what I have learnt so far in the journey of my life. I am impaired, mentally impaired. It sounds a reduction of value mentally, but it isn't, it casts away part of my fear. I mean I used to fear about it, because I don't know.

We fear because we don't know. 

Will you know if you just read? Probably but you will find it difficult to gasp or challenging to understand. Real life example is never an exact copy from the books. I gave myself in and rolled with it. It does sound silly if I tell you I knew it was already a trouble before I threw myself in. But not all the times. At some points, I believe it will be good.

I wrote this today because I have reconciled.
I bumped into someone last night. The one that got away? No. It wasn't. I can conclude it now, that I was in love with an image given, the person that once portrayed themselves in. And it has long gone. From that very moment, from the pause I had for myself when I saw the side sight, I knew it. I couldn't let myself get into this anymore.

My mind or my body literally stopped myself from getting hurt. Believe it or not, you know what's the best for you, if that's really nourishing or encouraging, you will get closer even if it has so many obstacles along the way. It was so close yet so far. I finally found that piece of mine and I was reconciled.

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Accept the truth, as harsh and hard as it could have been, swallow it and feel it. Next time, if you face the similar situation, help the other party out. Now, you need to help yourself out. Take a shower, sing a song, write a note, go for a walk, catch some pokemons, go gym, join yoga or pilate, do things that you enjoy in.

If you find yourself dwell in the memories at times, do not ignore it, just let it ride under your control. Recognize what you miss, why you miss and carry on with your life, you will find all the unanswered answered in the future. Just believe it.

It was a magical month of August. I never expect August 2016 could be that eventful and meaningful to me. For that, I always appreciate what had happened. I mean that.

Given me a second choice, I will still do the same things and make the same decisions.

It was the best judgement you could made based on your past experience and understanding. Don't blame yourself too hard.

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Hold onto hope, Love. I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, so hold on stronger to me, and we.

Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.
Someday soon.

Not today

I woke up on 6 sharp this morning. Woke up in a shock that I thought I was late for something. But no, there wasn't anything to attend to. I climbed back into my bed and lied there and yea, my mind got initiated, and it started to run wild, again.

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You know, I am getting closer and closer into this self-discovery. I am not emotional, I mean I am emotional but it ain't the cause of it, it is a product of some acts of mine or some default moves I took unknowingly everyday. I am sensitive, I am good at observation at times but needless to mention, I blinded myself from times to times too.

I always know I will be fine after year 2013. It was a twisting point for me. I can't exactly recall what happened in that particular year unless I check into my diary again, of course, it was mostly dark but stars, dreams, fantasies filled it with along the way. Tonnes of things happened, every steps I have taken to be where I am today. I can't imagine if I would know me if I meet me now back in year 2011.

Who I am?

I have got most of my necessities covered, not in the best way, but I would say, in a decent way. Those were efforts I made for myself, or at some points, in the name of somebody else.

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I don't feel right for a Monday. I checked on my phone, it showed 6.07am on 29 August 2016. 29th of the month already?! It's like one more month to enter the forth quarter of year 2016. I can barely know what have I done for myself until this point. Oh no, I am not going that way again to sell myself short.

I passed my ACCA P3 Business Analysis by doing self-study, that's something. I committed and I gave in my efforts, I focused on my study on some nights and some afternoon. I lose weight again, where I am happy with my size now at 104-105kg. I did do something for myself for year 2016 so far.

And I falling in love, again, too. And to the note of it, I also get to taste the first experience of mine to be ghosted. So it's true, tonnes of things had happened and I think it will be only more to come on its way too.

Then I looked outside my window, it was still dark but you could tell it's getting pale, and it's only a matter of time. I was still lying on my bed, staring on nothing, just lie there and breath. It's hard. It is worth it but it is hard, I got pain in my ass, I mean literally pain in my ass when I think of things like that.

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I don't know whether I miss you or I miss me when I was with you. All I know now is I am picking up my pieces, it is in progress. I don't hate you, I still love you at some point I mean it. But I am mad, I am hurt, most of all, I am confused. And it is exhausting. It wears me out. But I can see your image is slowly fading in my memory now.

I used to brush up that. But I just let it be later. It's painful, and for the sake of myself, I should learn to ease the pain by at least not to hurt myself in further bill of enhancing the image. But I still keep your voice notes with me. I listen to them sometimes. How much you needed me before. How blissful it was until it wasn't.

It hurts because I was aware of all the rules this time but I couldn't control the flow, and once again it failed without me taking a pause, it came by and gone away. It was tough yet I survived it.

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It was 7 am in my second check on my phone again while I have my decent clock hanging on the wall clearly showing it is 7 am now.

IFRS popped into my mind. All in a sudden, I was recalling the IAS 17 Leases, sales and lease back, what was the treatment and I couldn't recall of anything. Then I thought of IFRS 2 Share-based payment, all I can tell was debt instruments and equity instruments and nothing more.

Then I adjusted myself, argh, pain in the ass.

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Hang in there. One step at a time, this pain, misery, confusion or anything weren't here for vain by coincidence, it might, but I am certain it came with values attached. It may seem unbearable at times, but look, how far have I made it.

Hold onto hope, love, I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, so hold on stronger to me, and we.

Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.
Someday soon.

Not today.