Not today

I woke up on 6 sharp this morning. Woke up in a shock that I thought I was late for something. But no, there wasn't anything to attend to. I climbed back into my bed and lied there and yea, my mind got initiated, and it started to run wild, again.

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You know, I am getting closer and closer into this self-discovery. I am not emotional, I mean I am emotional but it ain't the cause of it, it is a product of some acts of mine or some default moves I took unknowingly everyday. I am sensitive, I am good at observation at times but needless to mention, I blinded myself from times to times too.

I always know I will be fine after year 2013. It was a twisting point for me. I can't exactly recall what happened in that particular year unless I check into my diary again, of course, it was mostly dark but stars, dreams, fantasies filled it with along the way. Tonnes of things happened, every steps I have taken to be where I am today. I can't imagine if I would know me if I meet me now back in year 2011.

Who I am?

I have got most of my necessities covered, not in the best way, but I would say, in a decent way. Those were efforts I made for myself, or at some points, in the name of somebody else.

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I don't feel right for a Monday. I checked on my phone, it showed 6.07am on 29 August 2016. 29th of the month already?! It's like one more month to enter the forth quarter of year 2016. I can barely know what have I done for myself until this point. Oh no, I am not going that way again to sell myself short.

I passed my ACCA P3 Business Analysis by doing self-study, that's something. I committed and I gave in my efforts, I focused on my study on some nights and some afternoon. I lose weight again, where I am happy with my size now at 104-105kg. I did do something for myself for year 2016 so far.

And I falling in love, again, too. And to the note of it, I also get to taste the first experience of mine to be ghosted. So it's true, tonnes of things had happened and I think it will be only more to come on its way too.

Then I looked outside my window, it was still dark but you could tell it's getting pale, and it's only a matter of time. I was still lying on my bed, staring on nothing, just lie there and breath. It's hard. It is worth it but it is hard, I got pain in my ass, I mean literally pain in my ass when I think of things like that.

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I don't know whether I miss you or I miss me when I was with you. All I know now is I am picking up my pieces, it is in progress. I don't hate you, I still love you at some point I mean it. But I am mad, I am hurt, most of all, I am confused. And it is exhausting. It wears me out. But I can see your image is slowly fading in my memory now.

I used to brush up that. But I just let it be later. It's painful, and for the sake of myself, I should learn to ease the pain by at least not to hurt myself in further bill of enhancing the image. But I still keep your voice notes with me. I listen to them sometimes. How much you needed me before. How blissful it was until it wasn't.

It hurts because I was aware of all the rules this time but I couldn't control the flow, and once again it failed without me taking a pause, it came by and gone away. It was tough yet I survived it.

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It was 7 am in my second check on my phone again while I have my decent clock hanging on the wall clearly showing it is 7 am now.

IFRS popped into my mind. All in a sudden, I was recalling the IAS 17 Leases, sales and lease back, what was the treatment and I couldn't recall of anything. Then I thought of IFRS 2 Share-based payment, all I can tell was debt instruments and equity instruments and nothing more.

Then I adjusted myself, argh, pain in the ass.

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Hang in there. One step at a time, this pain, misery, confusion or anything weren't here for vain by coincidence, it might, but I am certain it came with values attached. It may seem unbearable at times, but look, how far have I made it.

Hold onto hope, love, I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, so hold on stronger to me, and we.

Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.
Someday soon.

Not today.