Fourth day

And so, I came back to work. 

It is the fourth day now. Everything is slowly getting better but not too good sometimes but most of the time, it is alright. 

I was admitted in KPJ Kuching on this Monday, 5th September 2016. My very first admission into hospital and also my very first surgery experience in my life. It was not good, of course I was in pain, deep pain. But it was one of my best decision made to get myself out from the pain, I am still in pain now when I am typing down all these, however I believe it will get better and better. 

I couldn't sleep for days. The pain kept haunt me, and it still haunt me last night, I finally went to sleep past twelve, but I was awaken around 3 something by harsh pain. Well, I just change my position and deal with it and yea rest and try to bear with it. It will only get worse before it starts to get better, that's what I heard from "Nikita" and so I told myself. 

I somehow appreciate this pain. I used to take a lot of things for granted, to walk normally, to sit normally, to run, to grab things, anything for granted. But this pain, this surgery, changed my perspective, nothing is easy, I mean, look, when you are in my situation, everything tend to be more careful and in a slower pace. Of course you will still get the things done, however it will be in a much different way and you get to see things in a different angle too. 

I appreciate I am still alive at the same time, I am tortured by the pain. I can walk, but not too fast, I can move, but not too much too. I can breathe, I can see, I can feel, I can talk, I can eat, in fact I am still functional, but everything has changed. The part of me that used to diminish my own core value has slowly dissipated. I know exactly who I am and what's my worth now, and you know it ain't come from an easy road. 

I appreciate this pain, that I was looking for diversion and distraction from the ghosting experience I had in August. But now, no, my main focus is to get myself well. And when you see your priority is clear, you won't spend even a single second to counter that. 

(Unless you are an emotional cutter like me, I still think about the person who ghosted me, everyday.) 

Treatment

I went to see a specialist this morning.

I am not sure it caused by stress or simply just its time to have some diseases or infections. But I am not feeling well for quite awhile, despite of the love issue, I miss home. I realize that I always can make choices, however I tend to make choices that don't really draw much positive results for me. I guess I am just an emotional cutter.

And so, I booked my ticket home. I just did. I will be back to Miri on 14th September. All I need now is rest, and rest and more rest. Not saying I surrender to all the big factors, but I guess they will still be there when I come back here. Problems will always be a problem if you don't go and solve them. At the mean time, I need a break and sort things out and some time off are necessary in my condition.

Moral of the story is,
do what you capable of, 
change what you should, 
accept what you can't.

I met with friends, spoke to them and shared our latest news and stuffs.

They told me, they have yet to explore that part of their life at the age of 28+, while on the other hand, I am doing that part at the age of 23. They told me that everything is gonna be fine, just like how I get through the previous trauma, look where I am, and Leon always make it through.

Yea I did and I'll do. But it ain't painless process. God knows how painful it was and how much struggle with tears I had or am having to make it right again. It sounds drama to you right? But I guess drama grabs the example from real life. I cry. I always cry if I can. Tears is not a weakness sign to me. I will cry if it really touch the point, then get a good sleep. Everything feels better after a good night sleep.

I have accepted the truth. As it rides along, I will keep getting better. I don't want to give up. I make up my mind after I've given up for countless times yet I still get up and go on.

Hold onto hope, Love. I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, just hold on stronger to me and you.

Someday soon, I'll meet you.
Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.