Emotion loopholes

Sometimes I hope that I could be dead by the dawn. It's just too heavy. I am suffocated. Dreadful burden of scare that everything is gonna fall on me.

I don't feel like I am working or gym-ing. It's more to the job works me, the machine works me. I came to work everyday, I went to gym every night. I hardly get my time to do my own things.

I just feel so pressure. And I am so helplessly seeing all these happening, around me, every day, every second. It's all too tight. I've got no one to talk to either.

I will manage it, I will manage it, that's what I told myself. And I did. I did manage it well, and I am not that happy. I am not that so kind of up and down a lot now. Happy or unhappy is just the mood, not the emotion related. 

I miss someone so bad. I don't understand which part I miss, why I miss, and what for to miss. And it grounded me to move forward. I felt like I am stucked.

It's very late at night now. I should sleep by now. I just can't control it for s moment, weakness for a moment. I started to miss my family, but seriously and honesty it gets shallower.

Maybe I started to understand this is my life, and I got to make my own decisions and bear the risk.

I really should go sleep now.