Salvation

Salvation, everyone needs salvation. Either physically, mentally or in any form, ever since we have the idea of a sinner and as a helpless mankind walking on earth.

We expect people to help us, we expect people to assist us, we expect people to guide us. That's what we pray from God everyday too. We draw the energy from the unknown, from the spiritual side.

I need salvation too. There are books saying that you yourself are your very first salvation before you decided to reach out there and seek for more.

I am leading a somehow very complicated yet clearly-knowing-what-is-the-issue-but-just-let-it-be kind of life.
I am believing in it. I let myself to believe it though underneath my nerve, I am insecure and completely out of my mind.

Yesterday I was a driver went to pick up my cousin and her friends from Miri for some one-day-event in kuching. We chit chat and the friends told me that I don't look like the character that she is hearing from what I am talking about.

She said I have a gamer look that I must be very good at computer games. But I go bakery class, I plant succulents. I am very particular when it comes to food that I eat. I am sensitive when it comes across healthy lifestyle(though it might not look so appealing on me). I tend to focus on some part of things that usually a guy, someone tall and big like me won't give a flying damn about.

I am confused too. Is that a bad thing? Could it be correct? After awhile, I get few sorted out. That's me. That's Leon Lai. That's someone who struggle hard to be here today and he may be has some character issues, but who doesn't. He is only 22, he makes mistakes but who doesn't. He has huge room to improve, but who doesn't, does anyone dare to say that he/she has no room to improve, maybe the second he/she says that, humble is the thing to improve.

Sincerity is my trade mark. Sometimes I may overrated it. However I do give myself a four when it comes to this self evaluation. It usually associates with honesty. I am just gonna be me.

Everyone would tell you otherwise when it comes to this. I know and I've been there too. I changed too. But some core value in yourself you must not changed! You gotta hold on to it.

I am happy now. I am grateful now. I am just couldn't help but scare sometimes too. As I am still undergo the shaping process, I am still subject to changes. Where would I be? How would I be? What would I be? When would I be? Why should I be?

Mama, I miss you a lot. It always come across my mind whenever this grow up issue hits me up.

I will be settled down one day. I don't like big, I like homey, I like warm stuff, I like simple. I prefer just lead a simple life that some pets, a partner, some noises and day and night till we die.

May God be with me.

Pressing, pushing!

As I constantly remind myself, to be optimistic, to be positive to everything I encounter though underneath all the things I know, I am a born pessimistic, or shaped to be pessimistic. I just couldn't help but think of the negative part towards everything I happen to face. 

I manage to catch the silver lining behind them, eventually, but not immediately. That's a shame! 

Now I am facing severe distress at work everyday! EVERYDAY! I dislike my job, I dislike people whom dishonor my work, undervalue my value and underestimate my performance by pushing something to be blamed towards other on me. 

Though I perhaps might feel better if someone who told me so to improve myself is a fine piece, which she doesn't appear like one. It's unethical I know to disclose or unleash my anger or frustration in public like this. So I will put a foot-stop now.

I am actually seeking for a new career opportunity now, happen to be not so easy nor tough either. I submitted quite a number of resume and my job application email or letter to different kind of industry, various of size of company. However they all share one criteria, non-audit/tax related, they are all commercial based. Either retail, property development, construction, repairing or bla bla bla. 

I am eager to leave, I am eager to move on. Sometimes I ask myself too, are you too rush? You are only going to be 22, you still have 5 more ACCA papers need to be completed, you may have completed your professional ethic module, your foundation in professionalism, but be honest, you are just not fully equip yet, admit that you don't know lots of things. 

I feel pressure at work, at first it was supposed to be minimal supervision, now it's like maximum supervision, they watched you at work, thoroughly, you have to act like a machine. That's inhuman! 

The computer is old, the filing system is in madness, the management has a very big issue in centralization! It's just speechless! Continuous improvement has a big big room for this company. I am glad that I joined this company, taught me a lot on this kind of issue. It could be dark and hateful now, but I will find the silver lining in it! I will! 

I am waiting for my potential employer to call me up. Well, it is all about timing now. I am thinking it straight! May God bless me!