Lesson to learn

Have to believe now everything happens for a reason now. It is hard in times.

There will be ups and downs in days of life. Fear we all have will ground us at the same spot sometimes. Then there's God. He helps us all to tell us he is with us.

At some points, I feel absolutely lifeless. Absolutely unacceptable of how could things happened to be its way to me and I don't know how to act upon it.

I was stressed. I kept it to myself. Then slowly it develop into depression. I started to get cranky easily. Emotional all the times. Then the cycle continues like it is gonna end somewhere when I stop breathing.

And there it comes. The salvation. I am writing this now not that I have fully and completely recovered. I am jotting down this as a reflection of myself going through the stage of depression and self realisation.

I am always a weird person with myself. Cheerful in people's eyes. Optimistic at most of the times. Then when I am alone, I am easily entering mood swing then get cranky. I've got to acknowledge that part of myself.

I am all alone now. But not exactly all alone. Physically alone as I shut everyone I know away so I assume I can heal better that way. But that's life's power now. It always uses its very own way to tell you that no, no you can't heal with yourself. You need helps.

So God sends somebody to me. Some old friends. Some friends that I have never really notice that he/she could mean that much in turning my life upside-down now. I've cried. I've crumbled. I've thought of attempting suicide.

But I didn't die. I am still breathing. And with all the feelings I have, I deeply appreciate what God has given me to feel. You will never really understand that how much strength you've got until you have no way to go, no one to talk and no hope to cling on.

Nothing. That point of time,  you are isolated. Because you isolated yourself. I did. I flow with my waves of emotions. It brings to the absolute negative end. Destruction. The absolute positive end is not construction of course. But I'm just saying.

Things aren't like getting better in a second now. But it's getting better. I still feel pain every now and then. I still feel tired too every now and then. I think it is a normal things to be.

I just don't avoid people. Eat as usual. Sleep as usual. Drink as usual. Walk as usual. Just take it easy. One step at a time. Like yesterday I made the call. I apologise. I was a little relieved. Don't be so absolute. Just be nice.

If it is really too hard to take, take one step back.  Rest. When I have the energy again, take the step again. One more thing I've learnt, is don't be too harsh on yourself. Yes sometimes you needed to be harsh to ensure you don't get yourself hurt. But don't forget to pamper yourself as well.

Love yourself. I am still learning it. I guess doing the right thing is an act of love myself. Crying out loud when the sorrow I just can't bear anymore is an act of love myself. But after everything, pick myself up and we move on. Life's too short to keep grieving.

Life's so long to have countless possibilities. I'll never know or I'd never know that someone I met off street could bring such a huge impact to my life and my value.

但愿，岁月静好，温和从容。