Acceptance

I have been staring at the blue sky right outside my office room for awhile. It's good to move into a bigger room with own window and can actually have the natural sunlight plus the view of the outside. It got me thinking too. 

I have not been happy for awhile, I have no reason to be sad either. I feel constantly tired, emotionally. I sleep on time every night and wake up on 5 automatically as I called it my biological clock fix. I tell others to flow with the flow while I am actually telling myself that, flow with the flow. I don't plan much, but it does seem like I planned it all. Things meant to happen slowly fallen into their part and some has became history. 

About 2 months ago, I had my last serious and massive break down after 2015. And then I decided to have a face register in my head so I can think about all the time. It's too bad. I should've known it, it can't be. It can't stay. I barely recall the feeling and the face now. Once again, I have nobody or nothing on my head to actually to think about, that sucks. It made me restless, living without a purpose, just deadly alive. 

I make friends, I always make new friends. And I have to say that, it is not as what I expected at first, I am so busy to say hi and goodbye. Once again that line "You are going to meet temporary people the most at your 20's" makes so much sense to me. It comes and goes so fast. I have to stand there and take the breath in and let it all go away with a sigh. 

I am searching for something. I don't know what it is, but it keeps me going. I am doing what I can do for myself. I believe it is right to be kind and nice to whoever I meet, and I try to do that, of course not 100% though at least I give 95%. And somebody came and slapped me in the face with a term "Aloof", the google result is shown as below:

a·loof

əˈlo͞of/

adjective

1. not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.

   "they were courteous but faintly aloof"

   synonyms:

   distant, detached, unfriendly, antisocial, unsociable, avoidant, remote, unapproachable, formal, stiff, withdrawn, reserved, unforthcoming, uncommunicative, unsympathetic; informalstandoffish "part of their strategy is to remain aloof during the first stages of negotiation"

   • conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.

     "he stayed aloof from the bickering"

I was not aware of it until I learn about this term. I am indeed aloof, however instead of unfriendly part, I am friendly in person, but yea I keep a distance. I don't know what am I afraid of. I am so scared to face my own fear. Am I alone? Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life? Aloof may not sound like a positive adjective but it has perfectly described me. 

I don't hate. I don't get angry easily. For now. It is so exhausting to hate people, and that's an issue to me too. I let go of them and I walk away. In another way, I care less about things. I can't help but feel like I have missed out something. Something I should not let go, but I might have done that, and I can't tell what is it. I am still looking for it, while I am looking the purpose of my life. 

I don't hate myself. But I don't like myself either. I have learnt to accept myself as who I am and I get myself improved. 

Okay, I was lying. I hate myself and I don't accept myself. Maybe that's the problem. 

I am searching for a way for me to love myself, to accept myself. 

And I have yet to find it.