Lesson to learn

Have to believe now everything happens for a reason now. It is hard in times.

There will be ups and downs in days of life. Fear we all have will ground us at the same spot sometimes. Then there's God. He helps us all to tell us he is with us.

At some points, I feel absolutely lifeless. Absolutely unacceptable of how could things happened to be its way to me and I don't know how to act upon it.

I was stressed. I kept it to myself. Then slowly it develop into depression. I started to get cranky easily. Emotional all the times. Then the cycle continues like it is gonna end somewhere when I stop breathing.

And there it comes. The salvation. I am writing this now not that I have fully and completely recovered. I am jotting down this as a reflection of myself going through the stage of depression and self realisation.

I am always a weird person with myself. Cheerful in people's eyes. Optimistic at most of the times. Then when I am alone, I am easily entering mood swing then get cranky. I've got to acknowledge that part of myself.

I am all alone now. But not exactly all alone. Physically alone as I shut everyone I know away so I assume I can heal better that way. But that's life's power now. It always uses its very own way to tell you that no, no you can't heal with yourself. You need helps.

So God sends somebody to me. Some old friends. Some friends that I have never really notice that he/she could mean that much in turning my life upside-down now. I've cried. I've crumbled. I've thought of attempting suicide.

But I didn't die. I am still breathing. And with all the feelings I have, I deeply appreciate what God has given me to feel. You will never really understand that how much strength you've got until you have no way to go, no one to talk and no hope to cling on.

Nothing. That point of time,  you are isolated. Because you isolated yourself. I did. I flow with my waves of emotions. It brings to the absolute negative end. Destruction. The absolute positive end is not construction of course. But I'm just saying.

Things aren't like getting better in a second now. But it's getting better. I still feel pain every now and then. I still feel tired too every now and then. I think it is a normal things to be.

I just don't avoid people. Eat as usual. Sleep as usual. Drink as usual. Walk as usual. Just take it easy. One step at a time. Like yesterday I made the call. I apologise. I was a little relieved. Don't be so absolute. Just be nice.

If it is really too hard to take, take one step back.  Rest. When I have the energy again, take the step again. One more thing I've learnt, is don't be too harsh on yourself. Yes sometimes you needed to be harsh to ensure you don't get yourself hurt. But don't forget to pamper yourself as well.

Love yourself. I am still learning it. I guess doing the right thing is an act of love myself. Crying out loud when the sorrow I just can't bear anymore is an act of love myself. But after everything, pick myself up and we move on. Life's too short to keep grieving.

Life's so long to have countless possibilities. I'll never know or I'd never know that someone I met off street could bring such a huge impact to my life and my value.

但愿，岁月静好，温和从容。

Over

Ever imagine how it would end. But never even one time, I would have known that it ended in such a drastic way.

Last lunch. Small talk. Discovery of the truth. Realisation of the ugly facts. I can't deal with it anymore yet I still miss it. Damn.

Had agreed we won't be seeing each other anymore. The other party nor agree nor disagree. Just don't really care isn't it. What's the difference. I am just stupid.

No I am not. I give my best. At least that's my very best I have now. It's okay you know. No it is not okay. That's why it is okay.

I need a good rest. Everything is over now. Yeah.
It's over now.

Not yet

I just realise that not yet, everything is not there yet. But I thought it has been there. But too bad, at the end, it's only I thought.

We are having dinner together. But the other party is busy on the phone. I am sitting here and look at the act. And I find it more and more disturbing.

Yea you are busy with works. Yea you are occupying with duties. But for just one hour, you can't make the time for it.

Then I came to understand it again. That no interest in me. That somebody doesn't like me as like me, so the passion isn't there. That's why I feel constantly tired because I keep chasing for nothing.

Guess I should back off and keep some dignity for myself.

Everything is not yet a thing. Not yet.

I see

Had a little chat with a colleague just now. Something he said surprised me and alarmed me somehow.

We were just chatting casually and speaking of something to do with the microwave. Well... Cut the story short, he said no wonder no people like you... I am speechless for few seconds.

Argh... Made me more tired now. Yeah...  Nobody like me. Then nobody like me. Did I demand anyone to like me? Did I ever demand that?

I just answered him "Oh I see." then I walk away. Don't know what else to say. Was a rough start this morning came to work. A semi confused morning and wow, another emotional bomb for my afternoon. I guess I am really lucky to be treated this way.

At least those are reflection from the people right rather than my own self confession. I am not a likeable person. I see.

I see!

Rush

First of all, I am single but not available. If this one doesn't work out, I will be single for a while, perhaps a long while.

Hold the expectations of unexpected disappointment to care. Thought I did. Thought I really estimate the degree of the disappointment. Though it is underestimate. It still hurts..

I got so tired, like super tired.

Cried in the car this morning drove to work. Can't hold it any longer. Felt a little relieved but it doesn't help with the big picture.

Well I am so exhausted. Tired at work. Tired at thinking two things at one time. Tired of people reaction. Tired of being tired endlessly. Tired of claiming tired instead I just having a bad mood because some stupid head in my mind.

Hmmmmm goodnight.

One day

I am fast paced person. I rush things. Almost everything except my own education. But I still assume I am a fast paced person. Probably people around me done theirs like in their 27. I tend to slow down a little bit for myself if that's an valid excuse.

We gotta take it slow right. Everybody else also said it. Take it slow. You ain't go anywhere even you rush like that. You gotta flow with rhythm. I guess probably I am too free of myself. That's making me keep thinking of something else.

I need to build that trust in me you know.  That's how pathetic it is at the moment.

I believe one day I will turn it around. Before that, I am gonna taste it as hard as it is. I guess that's the accumulation.

One day. I will be. Yea. I will.

Struggle and life

Saw an article just now. Talking about what do you want in your life isn't some special question because it always link to nothing. But by asking yourself what kind of struggle you can endure in your life. Argh that makes more sense.

Happiness is earned. Success needs to be invest too. You can't get a partner without getting though those psychodrama.

That makes perfect sense to me. As I am sitting down here and look at my life. I ain't a risk taker. Not a risk adverse but more to neutral. Take necessary risk but still prefer to be safe.

I've been confronted and I am glad with the outcome. I still feel insecure but that's good. I mean that means I am afraid of losing someone right. And someone also feeling the same to me at least that's what I heard and what I feel.

That's good. Though distance would be a lot between us. Well nothing is perfect.  We gotta make it work. And so certain struggle and pain are necessary and it is inevitable.

I have the feeling. I have the urge. I have the opportunity. I have the almost equal feedback. I don't see any objections to go on with it. I mean all the appraisal related criteria have been fulfilled. What else?

Myself? Am I ready for it? Will I give up in the half way? Let's don't think about too far. We gotta treasure it every single moment. How to treasure. Live it. Don't picture it, don't over analyse it, don't imagine about it. Let's do it.

Romance doesn't need particular things to trigger in my opinion. Every single things can be a piece of romantic gesture. Hmm... I just wish that both of us are pleased or at least have the moment together. The whole point here is together.

There's pointless if we are doing this apart. I can handle it myself. But I can't handle us myself. Not for long. It will fade.

Alright let's wrap this up with we will flow with the flow with the understanding that both of us are heading to something great. Amen!