Perhaps

Everything happens for a reason. And I believe in that statement. I attempt to seek for silver lining in every situation I face in life. But sometimes I get nothing, for now, because it hasn't been aggregated.

Sometimes things happen, small things happen. It happens. But we don't know why, or at least I don't. I don't see the picture right just yet, until it gathers. Until it aggregated into something clearer, then I see it, a blessing straight in the face or in its magical disguise.

As my age grows, I really believe that some people are meant to come into your life. And you've learnt that somebody came in and out can happen in just a minute. And it's your ability to make them stay and also their will to stay. I've always said keep a little distance from everything.

It's torture to not get closer to something you like, it is. You bet how much I have learned about it, but as much as how torture it is, you will learn how fragile the things can be and how painful it feels to lose it. Sometimes you are just blank, and don't know what to say or do, but I guess that's life.

Perhaps, it wasn't meant to stay.
Perhaps, it was meant to be just came in and let you know that it does exist, but you aren't ready for it yet.
Perhaps, it serves as a reminder to keep your hopes up, don't give up just yet.

Perhaps, it's just million of perhaps.

Answer to your questions

It was really tough on yesterday afternoon. I haven't had that in a very long while, I knew it will come sooner or later. And as usual, it came with a deeper and clearer understanding of what has happened to me. I broke down. I cried really hard and bad, as loud as I could in my own personal cubicle. I was quite amazed by how it goes.

I was still cool before I stepped out from Hilton. Not until I get into my car.

Once again, it's not that I don't know what it is, but I know better this time. It's another case of passengers. I have been busy to say goodbye to people around me, like I once said, it's getting faster and faster. The feelings come and go, people come in and out. It's overwhelming at certain point. I ensure myself to live that moment to a very much extent as I could and it ends well too.

Of course, the incident after it is a different story, at least it ends in a good way. It could be just a beginning for everything. But it dawned on me, that if I want it so bad, I shall change, I should upgrade myself. I need to ensure I get myself ready. Or else, it will always be the case of passengers, because I can never secure them, I can never secure myself.

Before I want to take care of anybody, I shall take good care of myself first. And obviously I have been oblivious of my own situation and predicament. I cried so bad, partly because of the goods and the good moment has passed, major part would be why am I keep committing mistakes that obviously can be avoided and all I need to do is change. The tears were very helpful, it washes away the hesitation and it reaffirms what I had in my mind.

Changes.

I have few texts from friends. He told me, you are human, you are not God, flow with the flow, and time will tell you the answer. The answer is lie within your questions, let time tell you and all you have to do, is have faith that it will work out one day and get ready for it.

Change for yourself, but not for others.

Hold onto to love, I have searched high and low for you.

Destiny

You know how scary is to compromise? One minute you are still going to insist to be where you were, the next minute you are willing to die for someone.

This ain't the first time for me. In fact, it has been three times or more. I started to acknowledge how this feeling goes. And I realise that any relationship before I'm actually ready is not love, but an experiment.

I know it's wrong to conclude a statement in such a harsh way. But it is a valid theory for me. Some said there's never a valid time as "you are ready", we are always getting ready and adjust as we move. I second with that point of view too.

What I meant for "I'm actually ready" is the fundamental part of the whole structure. I'm at the age that there's so little I can do. Little that I should focus on finishing my ACCA and get my qualifications first. Ensure I am self sufficient then I'm actually ready to roll with it.

I always do it the hard way, but I learnt the most out of it. I know that I can't be alone for too long, but this is a time that to understand that single doesn't equivalent to loneliness. I have so much to do and color my life.

I keep sigh when I type this. Because I am sleeping next to the person I am typing for. The more I try, the more I realise how powerless I am now. It's not that I can't, but it isn't the time. This is not fairy tale, but in reality, it needs more than just love to keep it.

I am gonna jot down the more personal part in my diary. 无奈我看懂彼此只是彼此的过客，动情是容易的，因为不会太久，好像很近可是还是很远。我会把最初的感动深埋心底，感谢上帝，我想我了解了某些事。

Destiny, destiny, destiny. What it meant to happen, it will happen. What it meant to be, it won't run away. I appreciate yesterday and last night and today. I know everything will be back to where it was later in the afternoon, but this warmth will keep me going.

在一个还没有能力保护爱情，把握爱情，牢住爱情的时代，遇见谁都是过客，再爱都要别离。或许未来当阳光正好，或任何时候，我有能力之后，我一定不会让你离开我。
其实到某一个点，真不明白爱是什么，我想靠近，我只想陪伴，然后一起为了一些彼此都想做的事，努力，一起走下去。我不想要速食爱情了，thanks God for the realisation.