Acceptance

I have been staring at the blue sky right outside my office room for awhile. It's good to move into a bigger room with own window and can actually have the natural sunlight plus the view of the outside. It got me thinking too. 

I have not been happy for awhile, I have no reason to be sad either. I feel constantly tired, emotionally. I sleep on time every night and wake up on 5 automatically as I called it my biological clock fix. I tell others to flow with the flow while I am actually telling myself that, flow with the flow. I don't plan much, but it does seem like I planned it all. Things meant to happen slowly fallen into their part and some has became history. 

About 2 months ago, I had my last serious and massive break down after 2015. And then I decided to have a face register in my head so I can think about all the time. It's too bad. I should've known it, it can't be. It can't stay. I barely recall the feeling and the face now. Once again, I have nobody or nothing on my head to actually to think about, that sucks. It made me restless, living without a purpose, just deadly alive. 

I make friends, I always make new friends. And I have to say that, it is not as what I expected at first, I am so busy to say hi and goodbye. Once again that line "You are going to meet temporary people the most at your 20's" makes so much sense to me. It comes and goes so fast. I have to stand there and take the breath in and let it all go away with a sigh. 

I am searching for something. I don't know what it is, but it keeps me going. I am doing what I can do for myself. I believe it is right to be kind and nice to whoever I meet, and I try to do that, of course not 100% though at least I give 95%. And somebody came and slapped me in the face with a term "Aloof", the google result is shown as below:

a·loof

əˈlo͞of/

adjective

1. not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.

   "they were courteous but faintly aloof"

   synonyms:

   distant, detached, unfriendly, antisocial, unsociable, avoidant, remote, unapproachable, formal, stiff, withdrawn, reserved, unforthcoming, uncommunicative, unsympathetic; informalstandoffish "part of their strategy is to remain aloof during the first stages of negotiation"

   • conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.

     "he stayed aloof from the bickering"

I was not aware of it until I learn about this term. I am indeed aloof, however instead of unfriendly part, I am friendly in person, but yea I keep a distance. I don't know what am I afraid of. I am so scared to face my own fear. Am I alone? Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life? Aloof may not sound like a positive adjective but it has perfectly described me. 

I don't hate. I don't get angry easily. For now. It is so exhausting to hate people, and that's an issue to me too. I let go of them and I walk away. In another way, I care less about things. I can't help but feel like I have missed out something. Something I should not let go, but I might have done that, and I can't tell what is it. I am still looking for it, while I am looking the purpose of my life. 

I don't hate myself. But I don't like myself either. I have learnt to accept myself as who I am and I get myself improved. 

Okay, I was lying. I hate myself and I don't accept myself. Maybe that's the problem. 

I am searching for a way for me to love myself, to accept myself. 

And I have yet to find it. 

Perhaps

Everything happens for a reason. And I believe in that statement. I attempt to seek for silver lining in every situation I face in life. But sometimes I get nothing, for now, because it hasn't been aggregated.

Sometimes things happen, small things happen. It happens. But we don't know why, or at least I don't. I don't see the picture right just yet, until it gathers. Until it aggregated into something clearer, then I see it, a blessing straight in the face or in its magical disguise.

As my age grows, I really believe that some people are meant to come into your life. And you've learnt that somebody came in and out can happen in just a minute. And it's your ability to make them stay and also their will to stay. I've always said keep a little distance from everything.

It's torture to not get closer to something you like, it is. You bet how much I have learned about it, but as much as how torture it is, you will learn how fragile the things can be and how painful it feels to lose it. Sometimes you are just blank, and don't know what to say or do, but I guess that's life.

Perhaps, it wasn't meant to stay.
Perhaps, it was meant to be just came in and let you know that it does exist, but you aren't ready for it yet.
Perhaps, it serves as a reminder to keep your hopes up, don't give up just yet.

Perhaps, it's just million of perhaps.

Answer to your questions

It was really tough on yesterday afternoon. I haven't had that in a very long while, I knew it will come sooner or later. And as usual, it came with a deeper and clearer understanding of what has happened to me. I broke down. I cried really hard and bad, as loud as I could in my own personal cubicle. I was quite amazed by how it goes.

I was still cool before I stepped out from Hilton. Not until I get into my car.

Once again, it's not that I don't know what it is, but I know better this time. It's another case of passengers. I have been busy to say goodbye to people around me, like I once said, it's getting faster and faster. The feelings come and go, people come in and out. It's overwhelming at certain point. I ensure myself to live that moment to a very much extent as I could and it ends well too.

Of course, the incident after it is a different story, at least it ends in a good way. It could be just a beginning for everything. But it dawned on me, that if I want it so bad, I shall change, I should upgrade myself. I need to ensure I get myself ready. Or else, it will always be the case of passengers, because I can never secure them, I can never secure myself.

Before I want to take care of anybody, I shall take good care of myself first. And obviously I have been oblivious of my own situation and predicament. I cried so bad, partly because of the goods and the good moment has passed, major part would be why am I keep committing mistakes that obviously can be avoided and all I need to do is change. The tears were very helpful, it washes away the hesitation and it reaffirms what I had in my mind.

Changes.

I have few texts from friends. He told me, you are human, you are not God, flow with the flow, and time will tell you the answer. The answer is lie within your questions, let time tell you and all you have to do, is have faith that it will work out one day and get ready for it.

Change for yourself, but not for others.

Hold onto to love, I have searched high and low for you.

Destiny

You know how scary is to compromise? One minute you are still going to insist to be where you were, the next minute you are willing to die for someone.

This ain't the first time for me. In fact, it has been three times or more. I started to acknowledge how this feeling goes. And I realise that any relationship before I'm actually ready is not love, but an experiment.

I know it's wrong to conclude a statement in such a harsh way. But it is a valid theory for me. Some said there's never a valid time as "you are ready", we are always getting ready and adjust as we move. I second with that point of view too.

What I meant for "I'm actually ready" is the fundamental part of the whole structure. I'm at the age that there's so little I can do. Little that I should focus on finishing my ACCA and get my qualifications first. Ensure I am self sufficient then I'm actually ready to roll with it.

I always do it the hard way, but I learnt the most out of it. I know that I can't be alone for too long, but this is a time that to understand that single doesn't equivalent to loneliness. I have so much to do and color my life.

I keep sigh when I type this. Because I am sleeping next to the person I am typing for. The more I try, the more I realise how powerless I am now. It's not that I can't, but it isn't the time. This is not fairy tale, but in reality, it needs more than just love to keep it.

I am gonna jot down the more personal part in my diary. 无奈我看懂彼此只是彼此的过客，动情是容易的，因为不会太久，好像很近可是还是很远。我会把最初的感动深埋心底，感谢上帝，我想我了解了某些事。

Destiny, destiny, destiny. What it meant to happen, it will happen. What it meant to be, it won't run away. I appreciate yesterday and last night and today. I know everything will be back to where it was later in the afternoon, but this warmth will keep me going.

在一个还没有能力保护爱情，把握爱情，牢住爱情的时代，遇见谁都是过客，再爱都要别离。或许未来当阳光正好，或任何时候，我有能力之后，我一定不会让你离开我。
其实到某一个点，真不明白爱是什么，我想靠近，我只想陪伴，然后一起为了一些彼此都想做的事，努力，一起走下去。我不想要速食爱情了，thanks God for the realisation.

城市

其实并没什么特别的情绪，或许是这两天5点起床所带来的一些床气，还是我又要面临改变，虽然只是很小的一步，但是毕竟还是变。

一转眼，我在古晋已经第八个年头了。

上一段终于都结束了，其实在第二次争吵的时候，我隐约就已经预知了这一天迟早都会来，因为我已经厌倦了，可是当初继续有当初的理由，因为我相信还有未学完的功课，或是还有未发掘的地方。这一次就真的啥都没剩了，已经彻底挖掘，原来不是金矿银矿，只是普通的铁矿，而且矿龄已经过了适合开采的时机，没啥潜能了。经过反复思考，愈发知道自己心中早已有了答案。

屋里有了不一样的气味，这几天也一直在动荡当中，一直跟自己说是小事，一下子就过去了。但是刚刚看到那小卡车，看到那身影出没在“我”的屋里的滋味还是很发人深思的。那是不好受，那是一种很陌生但又熟悉的情绪，那是一种无奈，一种寄人篱下的滋味。

我知道这是过渡期，其实只要我搬过去住了一两个月过后，我也是会习惯的。

城市，都是这样的。一天一天再一天，也就一年了。

You knew it

Let's just face it. It wasn't the right time yet. Or it may never be a right time.

The funny thing is that I am not sure whether I am sad now or just disappointed. I used to be sad while I still hold expectations on it. I don't know now.

When I heard, you are too serious and I got bored, you need to chill up. I guess that's it. I totally got shocked by that and I replied "then we can't have anymore conversations, because that's me. You are asking me not to be me."

And I received nothing in reply.

I didn't know. I lost all the energy and stuff, I couldn't help it. I've been working very hard to get where I am today, it might mean nothing to others. It meant a lot to me myself. What's the point if I lose myself for it?

I love myself. I respect myself. I guess that's it. Until I have any other effort being made, I reserve the right to stand where I am. I already assume I'll receive nothing if I do not initiate anything.

There you go, I knew it since the beginning. It's always me. And I'm proud of it. I'm bald, I'm straight forward, I know what I want. I've compromised too. Sometimes yea I need to stand where I should, I see the conversation part is a big part that I need to stand by.

Honestly I am afraid. I am afraid of losing. But sigh, there's so much I can do. Other than keep trying to give more than I have for myself and get myself overwhelmed and exhausted.

I'm tired. I guess that's all, I'm calling the night.

Last trip back to Miri - 2016

I have some thoughts, some unsettled; some confusions, some uncleared; some questions, some unanswered.

I guess this is the age that I'm in the phase of continuously seek for understanding of the justification of a lot of things. I found myself in a place that many values seem pale and weak yet they are still persist and even in power sometimes.

I can see a lot of mistreatment has been brought up to those minorities for the bigger good of the bigger group.

I'm tired of those rituals and traditions that create so much troubles and inconvenience. I blame the inflexibility. I doubt its sincerity and the meaning behind it. I question its validity and sustainability effect on the people.

I guess I have held a falsified expectation or view on it. Traditions are traditions, it's what our ancestors did. We preserve, some of them may be obsolete but it's an act of intelligence. I can't deny it. It was what they thought of to address what they have seen or deemed to be inappropriate or needed to be filled in with.

I always ask, I always have the thought of "why is this so?", or "this is absurd, what's the point?" or "just because everyone did it, so we are supposed to do it too?".

Often, I receive no reply or reply with another question, "why you need to make it so hard? what is it so bad that can't you just follow it for just a little while? Can you grow up?". So people start to equivalent "growing up" meaning that we are obliged to follow the social norm, just because everyone is condemning something, we should condemning together as well. WHY? *because I don't know, I'm just a follower.*

I wonder how many of them actually think it through. There ought to be some, but not the majority. I am still seeking the answers. Critically speaking, I don't even know my own existence and presence sometimes. Am I a medium of transmitting message? or I'm simply created to carry the same mission, which is just live.

I'm not a people person. I don't know is my thought almost all the time now. It's not I know nothing, I know things that I don't know its purposes. What's the ultimate in it? Evolution or revolution?

That sounds like bullshit. At the mean time, I'll just look at it and live through it, experience it. Feel it through, I take it as a gift of opportunity to see it through with a close up view. I'm still finding out.