Stuck, so spark!

在哪里存在，就在哪里绽放。不要因为难过，就忘了散发芳香。
—— 渡边和子《就在你所在的地方生根开花》

I just read this from one of the social media online. Lately I am always get stuck in a maze, maze that created by myself. It's hard to describe or even sort it out. That's why people said don't think too much. You are just gonna turn the situation into real bad meanwhile the actual stuff not even look any like them. 

We are being overly influenced by the media nowadays. Everyone got their own pattern of imagination. Sometimes when I see something like, rock falling down, I can even match it with a big "BOMB" sound effect in my head. That's how much I get influenced. 

Same goes to the picturing of how pathetic my life is, actually it's not. I am so much blessed. I got no need to list it out why I think I am blessed, but at least in the population of most unfortunate people on earth, I am not on the list, hardly even classified under pathetic too. 

My point is everyone got a moment of weakness. 

And so I focus on what I am doing now. My job nevertheless, very fulfilling, big portion of my life, second coming up is my gym. So far so good, I am impressed by my own progress. Okay, I am just sharing, though I am still very big, but I think I should praise myself a bit and the rest praise to Lord. 

My starting bodyweight is 126.80kg, and it is SERIOUSLY unimaginable! I can't even imagine that, I am still big now, my current bodyweight is 108.00kg. How did I look like in 126.80kg? It scares me and on the other hand, it motivates me, to work more. 

The minor part would be study, Gosh. I know this is really bad, really bad to put such a small portion for my study. I am going to turn 21 in the coming December. But I really feel like I am 27 or 28 already. I really not comfortable to still go to class but I ought to. I am not pro until can pass an ACCA paper without lecturer deliver and explain the knowledge from the textbook.

Excelsior, from the explain of Patrick "Pat" Solitano Jr, "This is what I believe to be true, This is what I learnt in the hospital, you have to do anything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at silver lining!"

It's a lovely Sunday. Gonna be very full schedule. Might as well, I rest more before I actually start off the day. 

Eating

I do it everyday. People do it everyday. Living life do it everyday, every single minutes or seconds.

I was sort of emotionally discomfort these few days. Was aiming to eat something big but just afraid that massive intake might just spoil my diet plan.

Anyway today is the trigger day. I just get really embarrassed this morning. Then I drive all the way to place that far from my routine during lunch time. Talk with mom along my journey. She is always there for me.

Very understanding. And smooth. I just get bothered by some tiny but meaningful stuff that happened to me on last Sunday. Well. It's Thursday. Time flies.

People move on too. Though I really hate touch and go. Hmm. But it's fine. I've deleted all the channel of such inappropriate behavior pattern of people that might get chance to approach me and hurt me. What did I just write. I just went crazy.

Anyway. I mean I am okay with it now. Massive workload inside the office doesn't allow me to be emotional everyday. I got lots of things need to perform though my pay is low.

I just eat la. For today. Then I feel so much relieved. But only today. =)

Shopping

This post supposed to be done by last night.

Shopping, it can be a fun thing but it can be a tragic as well. Depends on how well is your control ability. Well, here I am talking those who spend what they earned.

Not those who have no need to earn but their parents will provide everything for them. I am just jealous. Yea! Jealous. Haha... How cool could it be. I have no need to work hard and I can get a Honda civic for my birthday present on my 20th.

I was just being sarcastic. That's pretty cool. His dad is capable of handling that kind of expenses, happy for him.

Go back to the topic, yea, like what we can see from the picture I attached in this post, it's a hush puppies tee. Unfortunately I have bought it. Well, like what all others said, it seems so nice when you try it on. But it became less attractive after you bring it home.

I agree. And this shirt is not cheap FOR ME! It might be cheap FOR some people, but not me. It's inappropriate for me to disclose the price here but whoever have been to hush puppies concept store should've known that the price range of its tee.

I can only afford to buy this and a jean, for this month. Or else, I will be eating grass for the rest of July and get arrested. I love shopping, Erm, because it really need my concentration.

Since I have limited budget on purchasing new stuff, I become more cautious and more choosy when I do my procurement. Although everytime the things that I bought turned out to be less worthy than I thought, proven that there's still lots of practice to do.

Practices make perfect right. I am tired. Lately. I didn't do my shopping like one month or two already. It's been sometimes. Really sometimes. Many reasons behind it. Limited of budget would be the major causes.

I just good. You know, I try my best to make sure I am good. I always need to remind myself to be good. Do not loss faith, I lose my edge sometimes. But usually I will gain it back in the morning or the dawn. To survive another day.

There's so much I can share. But I gotta go home. Sitting alone in the Starbucks without ordering, Erm, I am awkward which I'm not used to feel that way. I gotta go home.

Well, goodnight.

缘起缘灭终是缘

死心眼。以前还以为自己是个多么坦然的人，又什么心思不是写在脸上就是说在口中。

可是自从离开家里，坚持的跑出来之后，有很多事情都变得与我以前了解的不一样。我是个不喜欢改变的人，可是连我自己都一直改变。

有时，真的很无奈。二零一一年的二月。那是我第一次碰见他的时间。我们其实根本什么都不是。但是现在偶然想起，很无奈亦很无语，现在无论碰到谁，心里都会个比较。

我其实并不怎么记得他长的什么样子。这也是我的遗憾，那一次第一次动心的感觉却忘了动心的人的样子。午夜梦回，似乎有梦过他，大家至少是朋友还能聊天。现实中我把我的联络方式换了，回家乡的时候也不出门，就怕遇见他。

我还是放不下，明明知道并真切的了解这一切的缘由因果。死心眼就是这个解释吧！现在工作了两年多，也还是单身，除了拿減重为由之外，多半也是因为心底的那抹影子还在，不深也不浅，就搁在那儿。

常常告诉自己，他或许早把我给忘了，甭说一年，一个月都可以沧海桑田。可这死心眼啊，真是固执啊！他记不记得是他的事，我放不放得下是我的选择。而我的心选择继续。

时过境迁抑或是事过境迁，我再也未踏足我俩曾经去过的地方。我从前好喜欢海边，好喜欢看海听海。似乎在海边坐着，看着看着，听听海风吹过耳际的声音，有时感触起来，或带些泪水，那是多么放松解压的一个地方。有多少美好的爱情故事与海边有关。

现在的我不怎么想去海边，带着一些抗拒，那一个下午，我俩手牵着手漫步于海边的下午，那一刹那我到现在还忘不了，时常在我发呆的时候涌现上心头，打破我平静无波澜的心。

但是再怎么波涛汹涌的都好，终究还是自个儿给平静下来，前几个月还好，日记记叙的还有些感触，有时听听歌里的词意还会被感触，现在也不知是好多了还是麻木了，没什么涟漪了，喜欢一个人，也讨厌一个人。一个人好冷，可是和一群不懂我心的大伙儿一起我更冷。

寄情于工作并把自己忙的不知所以然，喘不过气的结果就是这样。好像火山爆发一样的去抒发。长大最悲哀的又最无奈的地方就是无论夜里你哭得多悲凉，伤得多痛，明早起来你还是得坚强并带着笑脸继续生活下去。

会发现很多事情会过滤后才跟父母说，因为他们会担心伤心，为了让他们不伤心，你得自个儿把这伤心给吞了，在你心底闷烂了坏了然后消化它。

我承认我想他，或许是更想念当初的我俩。当真是若“人生若只如初见”。

一直很想问“你还好吗？” 但是我想还是放弃，不打扰或许是我能为他做的。好好活下去也是我应该做的。

天涯海角有穷时，只有相思无尽处。

Faith

Starting with this title is kind of heavy to me. I am sticking with it all the time. I am talking about the believing part. I ought to do that.

Life is just so tough until you can't even breath properly. You forced to hold your breath sometimes. Faith, that's what the people said you know. In the dark times, people started to lose their hope.

As we all know, hope is the only thing that drives us to move on. Without hope, you won't work, you won't run, everything would just be meaningless, ain't ya agree with me?

I do have hopes either. With that believe, I keep my mouth shut, literally try not to fight back with the unnecessary talk same goes with the unworthy man. Fat man in precise. It's unedurable I must say, all the time.

Most of the time I just keep silent and act as a deaf. Hear nothing and react nothing. I am who I am today because the faith that I'm believing in. God brought me into this. I am pretty sure he is sticking with me through this too. I gotta find out the meaning within.

That's why I am still bearing with it. I ain't a good man. I am mean, and I got a limited numbers of friends either. I am usually alone. I am sad about that sometimes. However, most of the times I rather stay alone by myself. Because I am thinking.

Thinking of what? The plan. The steps. The schedule. Or nothing. I need the time that I am totally only to myself. No others around. It's me gonna stick with for the rest of my life. We all do need to learn to be alone sometimes. I told myself that. And then I allow myself to just be alone.

Faith. It's the thing that drives me everyday. I am holding onto it so tight. I do doubt about myself once in a while. But I stop that immediately. I couldn't risk to doubt it and if I found out that it is wrong, it is misleading. I can't.

May God be with me. I am used to be self centered. Now I still am. May God be with me. That's all I ask. Have faith.