Overwhelming

Yea, talking about overwhelming, I've been driving myself too harsh lately. I purposely did that to make myself hmm... Busier, less free times, just keep to make myself occupied.

Eventually I was overwhelmed. But now the feeling has over and overwhelmed me. Though I am fine, exactly who I was. I am tired. I am always tired.

Works, gym, study, my life is simple. Ain't complicated like those celebrities or the messiet politician. But I am overwhelming and self consuming now. I am like don't know where to start and how to say.

I wanted to go home and maybe have a little break. But I'm sure that if I do so, there's consequence waiting for me. The cash flow difficulties, the tight liquidity issues.

Life is short but not simple. Too many considerations and compromisation need to be taken care of and take into account of our own personal feelings. The remedy. Gosh. It's really overwhelming.

I am exhausted and yet I still need to stand up again and fight with that. I fought with it before. Ain't everybody did the same? For their life. For their future? For their believes? For something they hold on to? Yea we all did.

Guess I should try to go to sleep. It's getting late. Life's like this. Tell myself that everything's gonna be okay, as the old man always said so.

It's gonna get darker before the dawn arrives.

Think out of the box

Yea, this is what I am saying now. Think out of the box. Unbelievable right?

A moment ago, I was actually very frustrated about my study. Because of my overconfidence, and yea now it results in the underestimation of level of competency and difficulty in digesting so many chapters and contents over such a limited time frame.

Well. I figured since that I've prepared to fail, why still I worry?! Ain't I should be relieved? The truth is I ain't prepared to fail, I was lying. To myself, in order to boost myself to study.

But unfortunately I am really out of luck this time. This is serious. Audit and assurance paper need practice and understanding. Well. I do start to revise some chapters. I will continue to do so.

However now the situation changed. I am prepared to fail, with or without study. So I might as well just study and do my best for everything that I can, as much as possible.

Since I am going to fail anyway, why should I feel bad about it? This is life. We are all gonna fall once in a while to learn something.

Think out of the box, I am actually gaining not losing. Thanks god for this twist of mind. Life could be so much for just one change of way of thinking.

I am glad and happy now. Continue study on tomorrow. Gonna do my best. Cheers. To fail and to a better Leon lai.

人是会动的树，都有看不见的根

所有困惑的人，最终都得面对自我的内心，如果不能从心里产生高边，那么困惑依旧是困惑，问题仍然是问题。当人们明白自己能够改变，也唯有自己可以改变的时候，我们对人生的疑问，才能给出完美的解答。

Emotion loopholes

Sometimes I hope that I could be dead by the dawn. It's just too heavy. I am suffocated. Dreadful burden of scare that everything is gonna fall on me.

I don't feel like I am working or gym-ing. It's more to the job works me, the machine works me. I came to work everyday, I went to gym every night. I hardly get my time to do my own things.

I just feel so pressure. And I am so helplessly seeing all these happening, around me, every day, every second. It's all too tight. I've got no one to talk to either.

I will manage it, I will manage it, that's what I told myself. And I did. I did manage it well, and I am not that happy. I am not that so kind of up and down a lot now. Happy or unhappy is just the mood, not the emotion related. 

I miss someone so bad. I don't understand which part I miss, why I miss, and what for to miss. And it grounded me to move forward. I felt like I am stucked.

It's very late at night now. I should sleep by now. I just can't control it for s moment, weakness for a moment. I started to miss my family, but seriously and honesty it gets shallower.

Maybe I started to understand this is my life, and I got to make my own decisions and bear the risk.

I really should go sleep now.

Coincidence

I am in the church now. Listen to the pastor, I don't know why. Erm, how to phrase this. My mind isn't here.

I didn't attend the Sunday service for two weeks. Something getting strange yet familiar. It's sort of so close yet so far. Very complicated feeling.

I think of coincidence. Think of myself, what happened, what made me became me now. I realize that there is no coincidence. Everything is meant to be happened.

Some people came and taught me something then they leave. Some they tried to stay, but I ought to admit, it was the best I could act back in the days for that situation. I have the regret in my mind always, but when I replay the situation in mind, I am certain that I will still do the same thing.

It's for the best of us. The scar was there. The hurt was there. I chose the least of two evils.

That someone still haunt me like all the times. And I still obsess over that someone either. But life's like this. No matter how you feel, it moves on. Days and nights, time never slow down. Young people old, old people older. Some locked up memories are just destined to be buried and being forget.

Nothing is coincidence. I am me today because of those past. What make me tomorrow is my action today. And I am so pressure sometimes that what can I do to make my tomorrow better. Later I figure it out. It's "be myself".

Love my life and live my life to the fullest. With or without fear. We can't stop being who we are because we are afraid. Life will bring those bad things back to us until we can handle them, or defeat them.

That someone still exist in my life. But I left it aside first. I don't know how long it gonna stay. But I hope when it leave, I can be a better person.

The fire still burn within.

Once again, Nothing is coincidence.

Endless desire

Let's make it this way. I am devastated again.

Just now I was withdrawing the cash from the atm. And then I get the receipt to see how much balance I left in my bank account. Pathetically, it's little. Little until I knew and I know that it won't help me survive through this month.

And why I felt that way? Because I understand how greedy I am and how many temptations out there, and not to mention that I have so many desire within.

I think of a new laptop, a new hardisk, a new cooler pad, a new handphone, a new car, a new room, a new job, yea, endless desire. Cannot satisfied with the current situation. All of the above I understand that I will get them one day, and all they need is just money. The money that I will be able to earn or save one day too.

But, the most important thing I deduced during my shower is that, even I got all those that I wished for earlier on, I won't be happy for long too. I will ask for more, the depth of desire getting deeper. Again, endless desire.

I don't know, I am confused now. Like so dead now, what should I look up to? Who should I look up to? What should I do next?

At last, I think what I need now is sleep.

Goodnight.