Salvation

Salvation, everyone needs salvation. Either physically, mentally or in any form, ever since we have the idea of a sinner and as a helpless mankind walking on earth.

We expect people to help us, we expect people to assist us, we expect people to guide us. That's what we pray from God everyday too. We draw the energy from the unknown, from the spiritual side.

I need salvation too. There are books saying that you yourself are your very first salvation before you decided to reach out there and seek for more.

I am leading a somehow very complicated yet clearly-knowing-what-is-the-issue-but-just-let-it-be kind of life.
I am believing in it. I let myself to believe it though underneath my nerve, I am insecure and completely out of my mind.

Yesterday I was a driver went to pick up my cousin and her friends from Miri for some one-day-event in kuching. We chit chat and the friends told me that I don't look like the character that she is hearing from what I am talking about.

She said I have a gamer look that I must be very good at computer games. But I go bakery class, I plant succulents. I am very particular when it comes to food that I eat. I am sensitive when it comes across healthy lifestyle(though it might not look so appealing on me). I tend to focus on some part of things that usually a guy, someone tall and big like me won't give a flying damn about.

I am confused too. Is that a bad thing? Could it be correct? After awhile, I get few sorted out. That's me. That's Leon Lai. That's someone who struggle hard to be here today and he may be has some character issues, but who doesn't. He is only 22, he makes mistakes but who doesn't. He has huge room to improve, but who doesn't, does anyone dare to say that he/she has no room to improve, maybe the second he/she says that, humble is the thing to improve.

Sincerity is my trade mark. Sometimes I may overrated it. However I do give myself a four when it comes to this self evaluation. It usually associates with honesty. I am just gonna be me.

Everyone would tell you otherwise when it comes to this. I know and I've been there too. I changed too. But some core value in yourself you must not changed! You gotta hold on to it.

I am happy now. I am grateful now. I am just couldn't help but scare sometimes too. As I am still undergo the shaping process, I am still subject to changes. Where would I be? How would I be? What would I be? When would I be? Why should I be?

Mama, I miss you a lot. It always come across my mind whenever this grow up issue hits me up.

I will be settled down one day. I don't like big, I like homey, I like warm stuff, I like simple. I prefer just lead a simple life that some pets, a partner, some noises and day and night till we die.

May God be with me.

Pressing, pushing!

As I constantly remind myself, to be optimistic, to be positive to everything I encounter though underneath all the things I know, I am a born pessimistic, or shaped to be pessimistic. I just couldn't help but think of the negative part towards everything I happen to face. 

I manage to catch the silver lining behind them, eventually, but not immediately. That's a shame! 

Now I am facing severe distress at work everyday! EVERYDAY! I dislike my job, I dislike people whom dishonor my work, undervalue my value and underestimate my performance by pushing something to be blamed towards other on me. 

Though I perhaps might feel better if someone who told me so to improve myself is a fine piece, which she doesn't appear like one. It's unethical I know to disclose or unleash my anger or frustration in public like this. So I will put a foot-stop now.

I am actually seeking for a new career opportunity now, happen to be not so easy nor tough either. I submitted quite a number of resume and my job application email or letter to different kind of industry, various of size of company. However they all share one criteria, non-audit/tax related, they are all commercial based. Either retail, property development, construction, repairing or bla bla bla. 

I am eager to leave, I am eager to move on. Sometimes I ask myself too, are you too rush? You are only going to be 22, you still have 5 more ACCA papers need to be completed, you may have completed your professional ethic module, your foundation in professionalism, but be honest, you are just not fully equip yet, admit that you don't know lots of things. 

I feel pressure at work, at first it was supposed to be minimal supervision, now it's like maximum supervision, they watched you at work, thoroughly, you have to act like a machine. That's inhuman! 

The computer is old, the filing system is in madness, the management has a very big issue in centralization! It's just speechless! Continuous improvement has a big big room for this company. I am glad that I joined this company, taught me a lot on this kind of issue. It could be dark and hateful now, but I will find the silver lining in it! I will! 

I am waiting for my potential employer to call me up. Well, it is all about timing now. I am thinking it straight! May God bless me! 

Progression

Just so you know, I am currently undergoing a series of heartburn everyday. Why? Because of my work. Well it's about to come to an end. 

The peak is going to end in five days time! Awesome! Can't wait for that! 
Can't finish the task assigned? Owh, what to do right? I thought they've expected it which is why they gone vacation even before the closing of peak period?

I've been doing my best to completing my task assigned, but this is what happening to me. That people take it for granted, you should finish your task assigned even though I am not doing my best to cope with you. You know it? It's like I gotta complete my job fast and send in for review, and it took a month for it to complete and still, disappoint my client and I am the one to be blamed. 

Actually, the company name is the one who get impaired in this case. People don't really recognize me, Leon? Who the heck is that? A guy who compute the tax for my company? Com'on, all I know is the company didn't pay me the service that I pay the professional fee for. 

Alright, let's stop pushing the accountability on the company. Start up with a new one. I am leading a very hectic life now. Technically I am exhausted, by my works first, secondly, I can't never get enough sleep these days, which I hope it can really be recovered after the peak period. 

Oh yea, I passed my ACCA intermediate level which I should've passed for so long. Anyway,  I am glad that I didn't fail my mom's expectation and mine either, though I am pretty sure I am gonna pass right after the second I complete the exam. LOL, so arrogant right? 

Frankly, this is the progression of my life now. Various changes can be applying into now. Hmmmm, sometimes I am like standing at the center of the crossroad, don't know which way to turn to, because simply the past experience taught me that either way of the road it will take me some places. 

Either way of the route can lead me to some places great, just simply because WE HAVE TO THINK THAT WAY. Bring the positive energy in right? 

Okay, tomorrow is Monday again! Last week of peak period in year 2014! Yay! I am so looking forward the arrival of Friday!!! 

I am good, you know? Compare to me in year 2010, I am so much better now! Lots of room for improvements, but you know what. I ain't gonna live to please someone. Ciao!

Ola August

I woke up on 5.38am just now. Couldn't sleep peacefully and my head is all about the undone job.

Wait a minute. It's that how I project my life would be? It's that how I expected to be feeling about?

The answer is I don't know.

Sometimes I make it like I am so sure or so strong, in fact, I don't know, I just do it and I just, yea, do it. Somebody has to do it.

Wake up in the dark is a absolutely great timing to reflect myself and go through the things. Work, study, love, friends, family.

I kind of miss home now. I hope they miss me too. I've been away for not so long, only almost two months. Lots of things happened and lots of things changed too.

Gosh, why I keep mention about changes, guess I really pay attention to every changes in my life. As I capture them, I acknowledge them. As a matter of fact, I am a very sensitive and insecure guy.

Well, put it in a simple word, sissy guy. Yea, the society like to name a guy which is different from the majority guy, as sissy guy. A guy who buys container, which because that's green to the world, but sissy. A guy who makes neat filling, which easier at work, but sissy cause so faggly (to them, guys should be messy.).

I gonna go shower now. And get my engine moving. Lots to be done for today. Gosh, how I wished I can have a hug or a kiss for me to draw energy from and moving on. Guess all I have now is pray.

Good morning and say hi to August! Please do me good. =)

Findings

Y'all know that, I am good in talking, yea almost everyone who know me knows that I am good in talking. Do not get me wrong, I am probably good in talking, but neither talking good nor good in communicating.

I am confused most of the times. Most of the times now I just, choose to ignore the confusion, that's how amazing that God make us like. No matter how confused you are, you still live, you still breath, you still love.

I hated my life, I hated my job, and I hated myself too. But on the other hand, I appreciate my life, as it brings me experience that I'd never expected. I appreciate my job, as it feeds me, it taught me that I am an useful asset to the society, I wasn't the useless powerless wreck back in the times.

I love myself, I hate myself as much as the extent that I love myself. You have no idea how much effort I put in preserving myself. Some told me I've never changed, some told me I've changed a lot. True, I am still childish and stubborn. On the other hand, I am partially round, and learn to handle the things with certain skills.

I couldn't sit down with myself alone last time. But now I can. Time taught me that. I appreciate time that I can stay alone. That feeling I, am the only one on earth who actually acknowledge myself as someone that couldn't live without.

It takes a lot, lot of courage to look back into the past. When I actually sit down quietly and flip back to my old diary, I get speechless and well, I can't cry now, just feel low. So much have changed.

Like I said before, though I don't like changes, but changes are inevitable. Thanks to God that because of that, see how much I've changed. I didn't bring through a lot. Only few that can make a life twist on it.

Findings, understand that I am myself, I am Leon. I am Leon Lai. I am the son of God. I am loved. I am blessed. I am showered with the grace of God. It didn't sound so right right?

I watched a movie lately, the Bobby's prayer, the Lord has forgive us before we even forgive ourselves. What I am trying to say is life's so short. With God or without God, there's only one life.

I've been feeling bad for myself for so long. I still feel bad every now and then. But I am learning to appreciate myself in every single moment. You know, try to think everything in positive direction, my inherent setting may be is pessimistic.

But I am thinking otherwise now. Like what I learnt from the China drama, life isn't meant to be smooth, it meant to be lived. It meant to be challeageable. What you gotta do is think positively, probably the things become better when you started to think positively.

凡事都要往好处想，谁晓得你往好处想，事就往好处去了。

I am putting this line into my mind which I found it quite useful and applicable to my life. I am truly blessed, I should appreciate what I have.

It's a long day to me, and I just got home not so long ago. All in a sudden, I have this inspiration to update this site. I am totally  drained. More to go and I will get them done in time.

I just know bunch of new friends. See, how is positive energy drives me in when the force is already there. Can't wait to meet them again for the upcoming hottest event, Kuching festival.

That's a wrap for tonight. Goodnight

Rape

I get rapped at work today. It wasn't that bad. As if I didn't mention that I am working in an office that only two males in the room, the rest are all females.

What do you expect right? Equality? Dafuq. Girls are always more privileged than the guys. Not to mention handsome guys are always more privileged than the normal looking Joe.

I am the normal looking Joe. Deserve every nerve to die hard and get rewardless.

Yea, this is a complaint post. Shout out my unbalanced treatment at work.

Well, what to do. This is work. With little pay, great responsibility. We got to come out with lots of reason for some slicks.

Damn it.

More than friends

Finally I let it go. Let it go doesn't mean that everything changed in a blink.

For now, things remain the same. Everything still workout the same. The aching part will still ache every now and then. But by the inherent ability of the gift by God to heal by time and by ourselves, things started to be better.

Last night was a torture. However, it's history now. This morning I woke up, when the sun breeze on my face, everything has changed.

I will focus on my work, and yea, workout more. Go back to where I was and gain back the confidence that I've lost and found in the creation of God again.

Don't lose the power of love. And this taught me that I still have the ability to love and to care. It's just not the right time and the right person.

I can make someone happy too one day.

I am free.

Hope

Do you believe in faith?

Yeah, I do. Despite the fact that I am a pure Chinese, we got five thousands years of story to back up the line. I myself find it undeniably indescribably unquestionably make sense.

Though it wasn't the inspiration for this blog post to be written at the first place, but it certainly play part of the role here.

I finished 21km on yesterday, Sunday. No matter how tough or rough it was, it's history by now. It taught me something though.

First no matter how hard is the situation, fear can't help. Facing it is the point. Turn out once you get the first step started, you will finish it and you will accomplish it. Want it or not, it's all your choice.

And pace, most important thing, you want it fast but your body can't accommodate that much of potential, so you need to train or else, you gonna slow down and gather all the energy you left and start again.

But you must know that you will finish this, you will complete it.

However, on the other hand, I realize the part of me being an introvert. I arrived in the Spring quite early in the morning, I was alone, surprisingly I found few people that I know, but I just feel a little awkward to stay around with them.

End up, I just stand alone at a corner and playing my stupid phone. What's the point?

Somehow I really wanna hear someone tell me "有你真好" too. That would be nice.
I slept on 9 something, but I am awake up. This is not so good. It's a really hot night. Guess I should get back to my bed.

Everything is going to be fine. It has to be. It will be. There's no other options too. Life is like that.

Have faith, be hopeful.

Tremendous

I doubt about it sometimes. I often hold a doubt towards it. But you know things that you pay effort everyday, it gonna bring you something in return, good or bad. Luckily, workout is the one which bring more good than the bad.

Gym is my salvation. I've repeated this over and over again.

Yet, I still need a home to release, to unleash my fear. Not sitting in the car, and cry silently. It's the most painful thing that I ever did.

To hold your breath. To tell yourself it will be alright. Things will be fine. When nothing seems right. Yea, I've been through it like thrice.

It still bite me hard. EVERYTIME.

I want to go home now.

I want to go home now.

I wish to go home now.

I forgot, I don't have a "home" here.

I forgot, I only got a room here.

I forgot, I was alone

and I am still alone here.

Fallen

Drastical day, drastical Wednesday.

Everything is the same but again, everything is not the same. Perhaps my sore throat decides to elevate its power over me.

I threw it away today. Set myself into fire and threw it into the rain. Now I am ash. Yea, Ash as in ashes.

I couldn't call mom, I don't know who to talk to. How incredible that a person like me. Just successfully to be alive until now without knowing anyone to talk to when I am in crisis.

Thousands of thoughts running through my mind just now. Commit suicide obviously is one of the option. Curiously I ask myself is that again that I think of my own death. I've been living no value on this land, should I contribute this or instead, a better Leon, at least not a dead body.

Mom is busy right now. Friends are heading home from work, some may still working. Schoolmates are enjoying their holidays. The fuck they care or understand what kind of shit that you're being through.

I broke a chair in my office today. Such a small issue. But I take it so personally. I didn't intend to break anything you know, but things just broken. And it's me, who that the blame is about. I am, to be blamed.

Why me? Turn out there's no why. Life's never give you a reason, you gotta swallow it up and say, yeah, it's me, I broke it. Intentionally or unintentionally doesn't make a difference. The outcome is the same, people look at me, so big and fat. Yea he could break a dozen of chairs. Yea of course is him, his weight could break more.

Hahahahaha... I am so in despair now. But I feel great though. I am still alive. That's great. Nothing is too bad.

I've had enough of that today. Ain't nothing for anyone.

Someone

I never wanted to be alone. I believe out there no one would love to be alone. But we all get used to.

Yeap, get used to be alone. Moment to be true to our own self. Haha... Nah, not that dramatic. It's just now everything is that overwhelming.

Work is overwhelming, study could be overwhelming too. We all need a little time to ourselves to unleash the locked up memory and emotions.

Someone, hmmm, I started to get question like that. When are you going to bring a partner? When do you going to find yourself someone special?

Oowh, trust me. I found someone special long long time ago, which is myself. How about the partner? I felt that every now and then. But it's always the wrong timing and bad person.

I am going to turn 22 this year. Time flies. I guess it just takes some times, to look for that someone.

Somebody out there, somebody somewhere.

Burning

Burning? Yes burning. Flaming hot in my mind, in my soul.

Lately I found that I overspent. Yes, I overspent. Now my financial situation is threatening. I know I can make it better. I just procrastinating the process.

And once again, the period came to me again. I guess it's this morning?! May be. Whenever I started to loss track of my own life, I missed the control. I freak out. So mess up.

Find it breathless sometimes every now and then. I am capable of handling it. I know I can. But I am doing it dreadfully. Lack of insight or the power draw from unknown side? I didn't pray. I never practice prayer. I keep it inside and keep it to myself.

Talk to whom? Mother? Father? They got plenty of troubles bothering with them yet I don't see the necessity to increase their burden of my own products of procrastination.

Hang out with friends. Yes I do. But again, it is a negative cycle. I go out and start to spend again. I prefer to sleep now. So nice to sleep. Sometimes even I wake up from a long night sleep and rest, I still prefer to go back to my bed and continue my sleep.

Perhaps I am afraid of facing the society. It could be. The minute that I suit up and drive out from the house, I am becoming a different person. I knew it all along. Ever since I was 17.

However, you know it is one thing, you understand it is another thing, you can practice it out is totally different thing. I would say I am still not flexible enough.

Alright enough of complaints of myself. I am doing good at my new workplace. Getting used to it already. Credit to my previous practice and very helpful bunch of colleagues.

Managers are fine. Well, what do you expect? They are human too. If there's a problem, communicate with them. I ain't someone just sit there and settle myself with something I don't see a point and tolerate with it.

Okay okay. There's exceptional case for it. Anyway, I am getting used to my job. That's my point.

I am burning, inside out. Inside out. I feel alone most of the times. But I am not alone most of the times now. What the heck. But I feel alone. I hate to change. I know that change is undeniable.

I love myself, I claimed. But am I love myself or am I love myself too much? That's why I care about my own feeling so much.

What a good point the pastor is saying, we change our mind when something is unchangeable. So they think that homosexuality is changeable, that it could be fixed. It could be amended and turn straight again one day.

Sometimes they knew the theory all along. But they just refused to acknowledge it. They chose to ignore it.

Good news for today. I finally drop below 100. Well it's 99.5kg. I acknowledge my hardwork. Though it's still heavy but it's another milestone being achieved.

I love that side of myself. That no matter what comes in my way, I know where I am heading and I will reach there. I will. I know I will, in times. Perhaps the only difference is first, I am stubborn so I can focus on my way, second I am arrogant because I only acknowledge my achievements, third, I do it on my term, so the times schedule keep change from times to times.

That's me you know.
我就是这样心怀秘密，感觉茫然，内心却又充满了力量的那样生活着。

Thanks God. Praise the Lord.

There were times.

Glee - Need You Now FULL PERFORMANCE SUBTITULADO …: http://youtu.be/8-DtNiL03sA

Last night, I had a dinner with friends. It's usual, just dinner. But it made something clear to me. I am finally partially over it. Now I can talk about someone peacefully, now I can listen to our songs or my song calmly.

That's how powerful the time is. It heals almost everything. Either bury it deep deep deep under or let it become scar and recover someday. It's just feel so much better now.

I miss that someone but it's impossible to go back. Maybe didn't workout for two days start to get me some side effects of being emotionally unstable due to the excess of my body adrenaline.

It was nice dinner. Without burden and just talk. I wanted that. Instead of some negative shits. Or some quiet shits. What did you expect? Let myself talk all the way. Crazy.

I changed a new job. Technically speaking it's just being more specific and more focus on one part. Or else generally I am still hanging on the same industry. Not much difference after-all.

All the colleagues are being nice to me, as far as I concerned. They are being nice to me and that made things get easier. And since the things are likely the same, so yea, the practice is there so so far so good.

Therefore, go back to friends. I manage to make a few new friends, unfortunately I am really a lousy maintenance body. Most of the times I am occupied unless I am in the situation like now. I get hurt and so no gym for me these few days.

I can't always check in and out with them. It's exhausting and I am fed up. For some, they just expect me to put aside all my stuff and go hang out with them. That's unfair to me and to my stuffs.

For some, they just seem to desire more from me, WTH. I am poor, what could you possibly desire from me? I can't drink. I can't smoke! And the hilarious thing when they didn't get what they desire from me is that they disappear. Yeap, how cliche. Just disappear.

It's a Tuesday morning and I am lying on my bed. Thinking of something sad and something happy. Weather is good to stay in bed. Still wondering I should study or drive to beach and relax for this holiday or what.

Well, we'll see later.

New chapter

Lately there's an incorporation of changes in my life. I resigned from G.H.Ee Dan Rakan Rakan and I am work in a new firm now.

I consider it as a step up. You know? When there's a change, there ought to be challenge, there ought to be struggle, there ought to be tears and fights, there ought to be mercy from God.

I am currently undergoing all these things. So far I found myself not coping with it as well as I anticipated. Perhaps I conclude that might be due to the overextended period that I've let myself stay in the comfort zone and loss the inherent ability to adopt and accustom.

But we are all God's creatures. Especially human, we are based on the image of God while we were created on earth. Inevitably, undeniably and unquestionably, we are born to live, born to love and get through all these.... OBSTACLES!

There's a part deep down in myself that. I only aware of it not so long ago, I hated myself.

Yes, I HATED MYSELF.

How I interpret this sentence is that I love myself too much. The amount of love is equally weighted as hatred. You can't just hate someone without putting some attention on him or her. Hatred is the opposite image of love.

Alright, I started to bullshit again.

I am very struggle at new firm now. Everything is new to me, the system, the people and the environment. Well, I will get used to it.

In church now. Lack of idea what to wrote here anymore. Life's good. Again, if I didn't purposely mess up with it.

Find myself able to cry again. How grateful.

Egg or chicken

Should they be egg first or chicken first? That's a dead end question. People will usually answer me with "don't think too much la."

Same goes to working stuff, should we have a job first or should we get the experience first. But without a job, how does the experience come from? Without experience, how am I going to get the preferred job?

It's always confusing. I thought that's all. But actually it's not. They're plentier things like that in life.

Let's take running exercise as one of the examples too.  Should we run first or should we have muscle first? Should we get fit first then just run or vice versa? It makes people really confusing.

To me, I think it's simple, the work one, just work, in time, like where I am now, I got a little experience now. From I don't know where since it begins to start stock up. I just got it. And by my age grow too.

Running. Let's just keep it simple, tonnes of problem are awaiting for us to solve every single day. It's running. I am doing this for the sake of general health and participation. If I can't continue to run, I'll stop and walk. And when I gain the strength again, then I'll run again.

The point is don't give up. Always try to make the better out of it. That's my own silver lining. I ain't athletic in shape, I ain't train like a proper athlete. I am a normal ordinary bragging guy for almost every day in my life and still attempt to make the best out of it.

This running clinic still make it clear on me. That's I should focus on what I have in mind since the very beginning. Get fit, get clean and healthy bmi. Improve my stamina level. But not become a professional athlete. I am aiming to be the average.

That's all I asked. Simple.

Running talk

I look easy. We all look enjoy right? Even we get fucked by our government everyday. Bombarded by how incapable and inefficient yet unfair is our government policy and congressman. But what to do, we've adapted it, we get used to it.

How did those athletes look so enjoy while they were running? Or else what, should they express the suffer on their face, will that aid in gaining more marks or win themselves an additional trophy? Lol no way. So they adapted it, they accustomed it.

It's really boring here. Now. Plus his accent and pronunciation "blow my mind". Blahblahblah. I am so childish. Lol.

The first day of 2014

The first day of 2014, I woke up early, around 11.04am, in Taiwan, the weather is good, it hasn't been that sunny to us before after our arrival on last last week. 

My post has nothing to do with the Taiwan trip actually, just I haven't been writing for a few months, I am simply bullshitting myself to gain back the kick to write. 

I haven't update my diary for months too, been busy, been away? Lots of excuses, but same case here, Iam not inspired to jot down anything so far. Life's been filled with ups and downs, same goes to what happened before, I love to drown myself in an embarrassing situation. 

Upset myself at the same time let myself to think back how crazy I was. It's dangerous and I know perfectly that it did me nothing good but influence my mood and make me down all day long. Just couldn't help myself sometimes, can you get it? Would you understand how miserable that is? 

On the other hand, I am grateful for all these happenings, a year has gone by, unknowingly, I can't actually acknowledge how much that I've accomplished in year 2013, it's empty so far. Perhaps, I can say joining a gym/fitness centre is one of my accomplishment, it's one of my best decision ever! 

Love? I am still an amateur at it. Never really get a clear clue on it, in the end, I am still single, people claimed that I am choosy, but come on, I am the one who is fat and fat, yea, very fat, I am choosy? -______- that's a humiliation, an accusation! >.<

Talking about works, I will hit three years in the same audit firm, I planned that I will suffer myself in an audit firm for three years then probably I will left to some other higher pay job, so far, unknown yet. Sometimes, I can't see where is my future. The answer I get from others are vary, some said it's within your hear, some said please pray, God has His arrangement. 

I chose to ignore so far. What I understand is, no matte wherever I would like to go, I should at least equip myself with a proper degree, at least I should complete my ACCA, get myself a status of Chartered Accountant. 

I go back to that February a lot, and it made to me very clearly that time couldn't be rewind, like what they said, let bygone be bygone. It still haunt me sometimes, apparently most of the times, whenever I begin to write something, the paragraph always including this. And I still keep it inside my heart with me. I am crazy. I was young and it was rough, it tattoo on my heart profoundly. 

Argh! Don't bring me down today! I still have to go out and visit this beautiful town for last few days. Two more days to go, then I will go back to the hot and sweaty country of my own. Should enjoy myself a lot over here. 

I didn't meet up anyone over here, practically due to the lack of internet service I have on my cellphone, well, I am pretty sure I will come again, and that issue will be resolved on my second visit. I am sure that's a way when there's a will. 

Last but not least, I have no regret on committing any mistakes, I did all things with purposes, whether it's good or bad, neither coincidence nor fated, it's my choice. I shall live with it, learn the lesson from it. I appreciate every thing in my life, thanks God that I have a happy family, argh, I am crazy again. Anyway, happy new year 2014! I will live it good! :) 

01/01/2014
Leon Lai