Last trip back to Miri - 2016

I have some thoughts, some unsettled; some confusions, some uncleared; some questions, some unanswered.

I guess this is the age that I'm in the phase of continuously seek for understanding of the justification of a lot of things. I found myself in a place that many values seem pale and weak yet they are still persist and even in power sometimes.

I can see a lot of mistreatment has been brought up to those minorities for the bigger good of the bigger group.

I'm tired of those rituals and traditions that create so much troubles and inconvenience. I blame the inflexibility. I doubt its sincerity and the meaning behind it. I question its validity and sustainability effect on the people.

I guess I have held a falsified expectation or view on it. Traditions are traditions, it's what our ancestors did. We preserve, some of them may be obsolete but it's an act of intelligence. I can't deny it. It was what they thought of to address what they have seen or deemed to be inappropriate or needed to be filled in with.

I always ask, I always have the thought of "why is this so?", or "this is absurd, what's the point?" or "just because everyone did it, so we are supposed to do it too?".

Often, I receive no reply or reply with another question, "why you need to make it so hard? what is it so bad that can't you just follow it for just a little while? Can you grow up?". So people start to equivalent "growing up" meaning that we are obliged to follow the social norm, just because everyone is condemning something, we should condemning together as well. WHY? *because I don't know, I'm just a follower.*

I wonder how many of them actually think it through. There ought to be some, but not the majority. I am still seeking the answers. Critically speaking, I don't even know my own existence and presence sometimes. Am I a medium of transmitting message? or I'm simply created to carry the same mission, which is just live.

I'm not a people person. I don't know is my thought almost all the time now. It's not I know nothing, I know things that I don't know its purposes. What's the ultimate in it? Evolution or revolution?

That sounds like bullshit. At the mean time, I'll just look at it and live through it, experience it. Feel it through, I take it as a gift of opportunity to see it through with a close up view. I'm still finding out.

人说，心如刀割

Devote more attention to my study now. And yea indeed, like what my friends said, I am just being dramatic because I feel lonely.

My mom once told me, don't be too sensitive, believe in good things then it will attract the good things to you. I objected her point of view. I told her, it's true of what you said, but I view it from a different way.

You can't deny everyday things happen, good things, bad things, everything. I have no doubt, in a way or two, it has been attracted or so called "karma" effect. But are you going to face it or simply just dwell in the understanding of believe in good things and it will come eventually?

I pray for a calm mind, for a strong heart, and haha... it ain't done without trial, without obstacles, without those hardships, a strong heart ain't being able to develop. I told my mom, I embrace it, good and bad, I believe it all happened for a reason. I may sound like I've surrendered myself, but I believe I'm still fighting, but in a different way now.

I always question myself, why, in comparison with others, to those who are older, richer, taller, more handsome, or any criteria. Try to keep up, believe if I become them, I'll be fine, I'll be enough, I'll be worthy. I was wrong. I am always enough, I am always who I am, despite what they think of me. No doubt we always need to improve ourselves, but it is wrong to always look down on one or sell short of yourself.

I am tired yet delighted to obtain this piece of understanding. There's still a long way to go. I am coming home soon. Ma, ba, I miss you guys so much. After what I've been through, the more I understand, what it meant to have a simple life with a simple family and simply the best thing in life.

But we'll never get enough. Like how I still feel to try more, make more mistakes and get myself hurt and taste it all over and over again. I have yet to settle down. But I appreciate the knowledge of it.

Thanks for passing by, passengers.

So be it

I have listened to this song for three consecutive days now.  Continuously. 

After the person dropped by and apologized, and even asked for second chance to revive our relationship, I have received the closure which I once thought I'd never have one. The final pieces had returned and once again, I return too, to where I was, but with a touch of understanding what it feels like. 

I was happy, and I was unhappy, and it was worthy. 

It has nothing much to do with this song, but the lyrics, it hits me.  

"People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere... and though the cut has long gone, the pain still lingers. 

What's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've over come. They teach us the lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's why we like to think but that's not the way it is, isn't it? Some things we just have to learn over and over, over and over again."

It was all meant to be, and it did happen. 

And so it is. 

祗要热烈，都好过温存；

几经冷漠，也不屑容忍；

铭心刻骨，就要一意孤行；

越是憧憬，越要风雨兼程。

愈想證明，就愈不肯定，

可能完美和完整不是一回事情。

Fourth day

And so, I came back to work. 

It is the fourth day now. Everything is slowly getting better but not too good sometimes but most of the time, it is alright. 

I was admitted in KPJ Kuching on this Monday, 5th September 2016. My very first admission into hospital and also my very first surgery experience in my life. It was not good, of course I was in pain, deep pain. But it was one of my best decision made to get myself out from the pain, I am still in pain now when I am typing down all these, however I believe it will get better and better. 

I couldn't sleep for days. The pain kept haunt me, and it still haunt me last night, I finally went to sleep past twelve, but I was awaken around 3 something by harsh pain. Well, I just change my position and deal with it and yea rest and try to bear with it. It will only get worse before it starts to get better, that's what I heard from "Nikita" and so I told myself. 

I somehow appreciate this pain. I used to take a lot of things for granted, to walk normally, to sit normally, to run, to grab things, anything for granted. But this pain, this surgery, changed my perspective, nothing is easy, I mean, look, when you are in my situation, everything tend to be more careful and in a slower pace. Of course you will still get the things done, however it will be in a much different way and you get to see things in a different angle too. 

I appreciate I am still alive at the same time, I am tortured by the pain. I can walk, but not too fast, I can move, but not too much too. I can breathe, I can see, I can feel, I can talk, I can eat, in fact I am still functional, but everything has changed. The part of me that used to diminish my own core value has slowly dissipated. I know exactly who I am and what's my worth now, and you know it ain't come from an easy road. 

I appreciate this pain, that I was looking for diversion and distraction from the ghosting experience I had in August. But now, no, my main focus is to get myself well. And when you see your priority is clear, you won't spend even a single second to counter that. 

(Unless you are an emotional cutter like me, I still think about the person who ghosted me, everyday.) 

Treatment

I went to see a specialist this morning.

I am not sure it caused by stress or simply just its time to have some diseases or infections. But I am not feeling well for quite awhile, despite of the love issue, I miss home. I realize that I always can make choices, however I tend to make choices that don't really draw much positive results for me. I guess I am just an emotional cutter.

And so, I booked my ticket home. I just did. I will be back to Miri on 14th September. All I need now is rest, and rest and more rest. Not saying I surrender to all the big factors, but I guess they will still be there when I come back here. Problems will always be a problem if you don't go and solve them. At the mean time, I need a break and sort things out and some time off are necessary in my condition.

Moral of the story is,
do what you capable of, 
change what you should, 
accept what you can't.

I met with friends, spoke to them and shared our latest news and stuffs.

They told me, they have yet to explore that part of their life at the age of 28+, while on the other hand, I am doing that part at the age of 23. They told me that everything is gonna be fine, just like how I get through the previous trauma, look where I am, and Leon always make it through.

Yea I did and I'll do. But it ain't painless process. God knows how painful it was and how much struggle with tears I had or am having to make it right again. It sounds drama to you right? But I guess drama grabs the example from real life. I cry. I always cry if I can. Tears is not a weakness sign to me. I will cry if it really touch the point, then get a good sleep. Everything feels better after a good night sleep.

I have accepted the truth. As it rides along, I will keep getting better. I don't want to give up. I make up my mind after I've given up for countless times yet I still get up and go on.

Hold onto hope, Love. I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, just hold on stronger to me and you.

Someday soon, I'll meet you.
Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.

Reconciliation

Just because your former partner can't be faithful to you, it doesn't mean there's nobody else can do it.

And like I always mention, I made mistakes. I made countless mistakes. I did stupid things which I knew it was stupid yet I still committed it. I did because I saw there's something worth invest myself and my time in, even if it was a failure. I wasn't alone in this situation, we all are amateur when it comes to unknown or inexperienced situations.

Would you try it out or you will just walk away and regret? Not all of us will regret, that's true. But I do. I always regret, regret if I could just apologize first, regret if I could study harder or put in more time and efforts. I am done with these regrets, so I started to live as it is, when I thought of anything, if I am having the second thought, then I won't do it. And if I do it, I DO it. Even if it burns me.

Always be absolute, you like it, you do it. If it fails, own it. 

So you see right there, the decision of yours engage into something new will get you always 2 things, either lesson and memories which could be happy ending or just terrible nightmare for awhile, or some wildest yet unexpected gain from what you've discovered so far. You never know what will life offer you until you give it a try. You know? We all can't tell how it is going to turn out with.

Look at the picture above, that's experience talk. It does sound dreamy and romantic or very logical right? But will you appreciate it or even cherish it if you hadn't get hurt before? They always said do not lower down your grade or guard for anyone who isn't deserving. 

Would you know who is deserving and who is not before you get to know them? You don't. All you can do is by your best judgement and on your best wish with your best faith to try it out. Risk it out.

**********************************************

All that I written above is parts of what I have learnt so far in the journey of my life. I am impaired, mentally impaired. It sounds a reduction of value mentally, but it isn't, it casts away part of my fear. I mean I used to fear about it, because I don't know.

We fear because we don't know. 

Will you know if you just read? Probably but you will find it difficult to gasp or challenging to understand. Real life example is never an exact copy from the books. I gave myself in and rolled with it. It does sound silly if I tell you I knew it was already a trouble before I threw myself in. But not all the times. At some points, I believe it will be good.

I wrote this today because I have reconciled.
I bumped into someone last night. The one that got away? No. It wasn't. I can conclude it now, that I was in love with an image given, the person that once portrayed themselves in. And it has long gone. From that very moment, from the pause I had for myself when I saw the side sight, I knew it. I couldn't let myself get into this anymore.

My mind or my body literally stopped myself from getting hurt. Believe it or not, you know what's the best for you, if that's really nourishing or encouraging, you will get closer even if it has so many obstacles along the way. It was so close yet so far. I finally found that piece of mine and I was reconciled.

**********************************************



Accept the truth, as harsh and hard as it could have been, swallow it and feel it. Next time, if you face the similar situation, help the other party out. Now, you need to help yourself out. Take a shower, sing a song, write a note, go for a walk, catch some pokemons, go gym, join yoga or pilate, do things that you enjoy in.

If you find yourself dwell in the memories at times, do not ignore it, just let it ride under your control. Recognize what you miss, why you miss and carry on with your life, you will find all the unanswered answered in the future. Just believe it.

It was a magical month of August. I never expect August 2016 could be that eventful and meaningful to me. For that, I always appreciate what had happened. I mean that.

Given me a second choice, I will still do the same things and make the same decisions.

It was the best judgement you could made based on your past experience and understanding. Don't blame yourself too hard.

**********************************************

Hold onto hope, Love. I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, so hold on stronger to me, and we.

Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.
Someday soon.

Not today

I woke up on 6 sharp this morning. Woke up in a shock that I thought I was late for something. But no, there wasn't anything to attend to. I climbed back into my bed and lied there and yea, my mind got initiated, and it started to run wild, again.

********************************************

You know, I am getting closer and closer into this self-discovery. I am not emotional, I mean I am emotional but it ain't the cause of it, it is a product of some acts of mine or some default moves I took unknowingly everyday. I am sensitive, I am good at observation at times but needless to mention, I blinded myself from times to times too.

I always know I will be fine after year 2013. It was a twisting point for me. I can't exactly recall what happened in that particular year unless I check into my diary again, of course, it was mostly dark but stars, dreams, fantasies filled it with along the way. Tonnes of things happened, every steps I have taken to be where I am today. I can't imagine if I would know me if I meet me now back in year 2011.

Who I am?

I have got most of my necessities covered, not in the best way, but I would say, in a decent way. Those were efforts I made for myself, or at some points, in the name of somebody else.

********************************************

I don't feel right for a Monday. I checked on my phone, it showed 6.07am on 29 August 2016. 29th of the month already?! It's like one more month to enter the forth quarter of year 2016. I can barely know what have I done for myself until this point. Oh no, I am not going that way again to sell myself short.

I passed my ACCA P3 Business Analysis by doing self-study, that's something. I committed and I gave in my efforts, I focused on my study on some nights and some afternoon. I lose weight again, where I am happy with my size now at 104-105kg. I did do something for myself for year 2016 so far.

And I falling in love, again, too. And to the note of it, I also get to taste the first experience of mine to be ghosted. So it's true, tonnes of things had happened and I think it will be only more to come on its way too.

Then I looked outside my window, it was still dark but you could tell it's getting pale, and it's only a matter of time. I was still lying on my bed, staring on nothing, just lie there and breath. It's hard. It is worth it but it is hard, I got pain in my ass, I mean literally pain in my ass when I think of things like that.

********************************************

I don't know whether I miss you or I miss me when I was with you. All I know now is I am picking up my pieces, it is in progress. I don't hate you, I still love you at some point I mean it. But I am mad, I am hurt, most of all, I am confused. And it is exhausting. It wears me out. But I can see your image is slowly fading in my memory now.

I used to brush up that. But I just let it be later. It's painful, and for the sake of myself, I should learn to ease the pain by at least not to hurt myself in further bill of enhancing the image. But I still keep your voice notes with me. I listen to them sometimes. How much you needed me before. How blissful it was until it wasn't.

It hurts because I was aware of all the rules this time but I couldn't control the flow, and once again it failed without me taking a pause, it came by and gone away. It was tough yet I survived it.

********************************************

It was 7 am in my second check on my phone again while I have my decent clock hanging on the wall clearly showing it is 7 am now.

IFRS popped into my mind. All in a sudden, I was recalling the IAS 17 Leases, sales and lease back, what was the treatment and I couldn't recall of anything. Then I thought of IFRS 2 Share-based payment, all I can tell was debt instruments and equity instruments and nothing more.

Then I adjusted myself, argh, pain in the ass.

********************************************

Hang in there. One step at a time, this pain, misery, confusion or anything weren't here for vain by coincidence, it might, but I am certain it came with values attached. It may seem unbearable at times, but look, how far have I made it.

Hold onto hope, love, I've searched high and low for you. Each day gets closer, so hold on stronger to me, and we.

Someday soon, I'll find you.
Someday soon, I'll know you.
Someday soon.

Not today.

Neutral

Is it? or is it not?

It is coming to the end of March now. I haven't write anything ever since that incident had over.

Nothing much has happened ever since too. I moved to new place. It is pretty warm for me to sleep at first, though I've came to slowly adapt to the temperature now.

Likewise I'm really emotionally drained now. Like my friend said, I'm always sedih hati nowadays. Listening to those sentimental songs. Stare at a spot for no reason. Like to be with crowd or avoid to be with crowd.

Feeling extremely lonely but don't seem to socialise with people or talk more. The kind of restless feeling has eaten me inside out and I'm starting to laugh at myself sometimes.

It's great you know. This is a phase that sooner or later I'd have to get through. Be with myself. I eat a lot. Workout routinely too. Maintaining how I am like now. Of course they said you'll look better if you are leaner. While I was leaner, some said you'll be happier if you don't eat so little.

It proved what? It proved that people's words mean nothing but just a piece of empty advice. They always have something to say. Always. So be happy and try to be happy live with yourself. Though I'm still trying hard for that.

Days are good. Life's been normal. Nothing big nor small around. Alone as I am. I should be happy for such life. Embarrassingly I don't find myself enjoy it. I hated it. I want something else, but I am not sure of what's that something.

Doing laundry outside now and give myself a moment to sit here while waiting for it to be done. Enjoy the moment of silence. I am going home.

I am going home to I don't know. I'll definitely pay a visit to my grandma's house. I love to sit there in the afternoon while reading books or take a afternoon nap. I'll feel contented when I have it there.

We have lost contact afterall. That three months felt like a dream. But I know it's real. The heartbroken was real. The helpless was real. I could still smell myself drowning and drowning and hmm... I floated and landed.

I should pay a visit to vivacity. Though I am going alone and I don't really know specifically why should I go. I just feel like going there. hmm... We'll see.

I thank God for my life now. Couldn't be more thankful. This is peace. Though I am still adjusting myself into it, it isn't easy to just come into peace while it symbolises dry, dull, repetitive and boring life routine.

It's good to be like this for awhile until I am fully recovered. Thanks God for this.

Lesson to learn

Have to believe now everything happens for a reason now. It is hard in times.

There will be ups and downs in days of life. Fear we all have will ground us at the same spot sometimes. Then there's God. He helps us all to tell us he is with us.

At some points, I feel absolutely lifeless. Absolutely unacceptable of how could things happened to be its way to me and I don't know how to act upon it.

I was stressed. I kept it to myself. Then slowly it develop into depression. I started to get cranky easily. Emotional all the times. Then the cycle continues like it is gonna end somewhere when I stop breathing.

And there it comes. The salvation. I am writing this now not that I have fully and completely recovered. I am jotting down this as a reflection of myself going through the stage of depression and self realisation.

I am always a weird person with myself. Cheerful in people's eyes. Optimistic at most of the times. Then when I am alone, I am easily entering mood swing then get cranky. I've got to acknowledge that part of myself.

I am all alone now. But not exactly all alone. Physically alone as I shut everyone I know away so I assume I can heal better that way. But that's life's power now. It always uses its very own way to tell you that no, no you can't heal with yourself. You need helps.

So God sends somebody to me. Some old friends. Some friends that I have never really notice that he/she could mean that much in turning my life upside-down now. I've cried. I've crumbled. I've thought of attempting suicide.

But I didn't die. I am still breathing. And with all the feelings I have, I deeply appreciate what God has given me to feel. You will never really understand that how much strength you've got until you have no way to go, no one to talk and no hope to cling on.

Nothing. That point of time,  you are isolated. Because you isolated yourself. I did. I flow with my waves of emotions. It brings to the absolute negative end. Destruction. The absolute positive end is not construction of course. But I'm just saying.

Things aren't like getting better in a second now. But it's getting better. I still feel pain every now and then. I still feel tired too every now and then. I think it is a normal things to be.

I just don't avoid people. Eat as usual. Sleep as usual. Drink as usual. Walk as usual. Just take it easy. One step at a time. Like yesterday I made the call. I apologise. I was a little relieved. Don't be so absolute. Just be nice.

If it is really too hard to take, take one step back.  Rest. When I have the energy again, take the step again. One more thing I've learnt, is don't be too harsh on yourself. Yes sometimes you needed to be harsh to ensure you don't get yourself hurt. But don't forget to pamper yourself as well.

Love yourself. I am still learning it. I guess doing the right thing is an act of love myself. Crying out loud when the sorrow I just can't bear anymore is an act of love myself. But after everything, pick myself up and we move on. Life's too short to keep grieving.

Life's so long to have countless possibilities. I'll never know or I'd never know that someone I met off street could bring such a huge impact to my life and my value.

但愿，岁月静好，温和从容。

Over

Ever imagine how it would end. But never even one time, I would have known that it ended in such a drastic way.

Last lunch. Small talk. Discovery of the truth. Realisation of the ugly facts. I can't deal with it anymore yet I still miss it. Damn.

Had agreed we won't be seeing each other anymore. The other party nor agree nor disagree. Just don't really care isn't it. What's the difference. I am just stupid.

No I am not. I give my best. At least that's my very best I have now. It's okay you know. No it is not okay. That's why it is okay.

I need a good rest. Everything is over now. Yeah.
It's over now.

Not yet

I just realise that not yet, everything is not there yet. But I thought it has been there. But too bad, at the end, it's only I thought.

We are having dinner together. But the other party is busy on the phone. I am sitting here and look at the act. And I find it more and more disturbing.

Yea you are busy with works. Yea you are occupying with duties. But for just one hour, you can't make the time for it.

Then I came to understand it again. That no interest in me. That somebody doesn't like me as like me, so the passion isn't there. That's why I feel constantly tired because I keep chasing for nothing.

Guess I should back off and keep some dignity for myself.

Everything is not yet a thing. Not yet.

I see

Had a little chat with a colleague just now. Something he said surprised me and alarmed me somehow.

We were just chatting casually and speaking of something to do with the microwave. Well... Cut the story short, he said no wonder no people like you... I am speechless for few seconds.

Argh... Made me more tired now. Yeah...  Nobody like me. Then nobody like me. Did I demand anyone to like me? Did I ever demand that?

I just answered him "Oh I see." then I walk away. Don't know what else to say. Was a rough start this morning came to work. A semi confused morning and wow, another emotional bomb for my afternoon. I guess I am really lucky to be treated this way.

At least those are reflection from the people right rather than my own self confession. I am not a likeable person. I see.

I see!

Rush

First of all, I am single but not available. If this one doesn't work out, I will be single for a while, perhaps a long while.

Hold the expectations of unexpected disappointment to care. Thought I did. Thought I really estimate the degree of the disappointment. Though it is underestimate. It still hurts..

I got so tired, like super tired.

Cried in the car this morning drove to work. Can't hold it any longer. Felt a little relieved but it doesn't help with the big picture.

Well I am so exhausted. Tired at work. Tired at thinking two things at one time. Tired of people reaction. Tired of being tired endlessly. Tired of claiming tired instead I just having a bad mood because some stupid head in my mind.

Hmmmmm goodnight.

One day

I am fast paced person. I rush things. Almost everything except my own education. But I still assume I am a fast paced person. Probably people around me done theirs like in their 27. I tend to slow down a little bit for myself if that's an valid excuse.

We gotta take it slow right. Everybody else also said it. Take it slow. You ain't go anywhere even you rush like that. You gotta flow with rhythm. I guess probably I am too free of myself. That's making me keep thinking of something else.

I need to build that trust in me you know.  That's how pathetic it is at the moment.

I believe one day I will turn it around. Before that, I am gonna taste it as hard as it is. I guess that's the accumulation.

One day. I will be. Yea. I will.

Struggle and life

Saw an article just now. Talking about what do you want in your life isn't some special question because it always link to nothing. But by asking yourself what kind of struggle you can endure in your life. Argh that makes more sense.

Happiness is earned. Success needs to be invest too. You can't get a partner without getting though those psychodrama.

That makes perfect sense to me. As I am sitting down here and look at my life. I ain't a risk taker. Not a risk adverse but more to neutral. Take necessary risk but still prefer to be safe.

I've been confronted and I am glad with the outcome. I still feel insecure but that's good. I mean that means I am afraid of losing someone right. And someone also feeling the same to me at least that's what I heard and what I feel.

That's good. Though distance would be a lot between us. Well nothing is perfect.  We gotta make it work. And so certain struggle and pain are necessary and it is inevitable.

I have the feeling. I have the urge. I have the opportunity. I have the almost equal feedback. I don't see any objections to go on with it. I mean all the appraisal related criteria have been fulfilled. What else?

Myself? Am I ready for it? Will I give up in the half way? Let's don't think about too far. We gotta treasure it every single moment. How to treasure. Live it. Don't picture it, don't over analyse it, don't imagine about it. Let's do it.

Romance doesn't need particular things to trigger in my opinion. Every single things can be a piece of romantic gesture. Hmm... I just wish that both of us are pleased or at least have the moment together. The whole point here is together.

There's pointless if we are doing this apart. I can handle it myself. But I can't handle us myself. Not for long. It will fade.

Alright let's wrap this up with we will flow with the flow with the understanding that both of us are heading to something great. Amen!